Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I used to think that having lots of friends meant that you were happy. That's really not true. Having the right friends means that you're happy.
We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.
People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!
As soon as a women gets to an age where she has opinions and she's vital and she's strong, she's systematically shamed into hiding under a rock.
When I was a little kid, I used to say, "I would rather host the Oscars than win an Oscar." To me, that seemed like the more appealing, fun gig.
As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy.
I want to know how to feel good while I'm in the gym, because I'm mad while I'm on the treadmill. I've got that angry-lady face the entire time.
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
I’m just confusing the thrill of being young with the notion that the era in which I was young was in any way especially creative or remarkable.
I think the great sketch shows, like 'Python' and 'Mr. Show,' they didn't stick around for very long. There's something kind of cool about that.
My disease is one of the best things that has happened to me; it has pulled me out of a quietly desperate life toward one full of love and hope.
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
In the fourth grade, I learned how to fake walking into a door. You know, you hit it with your hand and snap your head back. The girls loved it.
I've not been able to avoid periods of time where I felt super-lonely. Luckily, I have a side that is able to always see the glass as half-full.
I make funny shows and put a positive message out there, showing people who have body image issues that... you don't have to look a certain way.
I'm the only member of my family who didn't get a PhD. So, I'm like the failure of the family, cause all I have is a bachelor's, like a drop out.
I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie.
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
No wonder we keep testing positive in their bicycle races. Everyone looks like they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.
I had this plan that David Byrne was going to come through the West Country one day, think, 'Who's that guy?' and ask me to go on tour with them.
My grandparents would have big, long arguments that were entertaining and that's where I first noticed, and was thrilled by, political discourse.
The act of giving is simply a behavior, and the gift merely a symbol. It is the energy behind both that will determine their impact on our lives.
In order to become more influential with those who are resistant to our point of view, we must be willing to start with what is influencing them.
Republicans are obsessed with abortion...if they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn't they protect the Democrats?
New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?
London. Another terrorist attack and ISIS claimed credit. I am surprised because I thought we had wiped out ISIS on day one as Donald Trump said.
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
I wasn't the first choice for the role of Danny Tanner. Betty White was. Not true, but there was another actor whom they had shot the pilot with.
Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.
I never, nor will I, put another person down to feel better about myself. I will live and die by what I do, not what anyone else thinks about me.
It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.
One of the many reasons why I love stand-up so much is when you're performing, you get instant feedback. You know if stuff is working right away.
I'm not interested in being one of those comedians who wants to look good and be this 'cool' funny person. I don't care how weird or ugly I look.
I just find 'Scooby-Doo' unwatchable. I can't stand it. I like all those other Hanna-Barbera shows about a thousand times more than 'Scooby-Doo.'
Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
Ralph Nader has slavery reparations on his platform, which makes me think he's not serious. If he thought he could win he wouldn't even say that.
The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.
"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."
I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'
Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.