Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.
On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'
Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding.
Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.
As a rule, wearing a bigger pair of jeans looks better than squishing yourself into a pair of jeans that used to fit before you gave up smoking.
When you're doing a different kind of film, you have to bring a different kind of attitude; you have to bring a different kind of concentration.
I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you.
I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?
I don't think any comedy is ever shocking. I don't buy that. That's just what people brand it, when someone is saying something they don't like.
I thank God every day that there was no YouTube or Twitter when I was a teenager. I would have had a channel, and it would have been mortifying.
When I was a kid down there it was always a dream to go to a Nebraska game but when you live in those small towns you hardly ever get up to one.
The best comedy you can ever have is when you're in the pub with your mates. You can never beat that. That's what I try to recreate in stand-up.
Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.
There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.
You have to always keep conditioning. My coach used to say, "You play like you practice." If you practice s - -ty, you're going to play s - -ty.
Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.
Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.
I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.
Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.
Jerusalem Syndrome is actually a rare psychological condition that occurs to some visitors to the Middle East. They get to Israel and just snap.
Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy - even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock.
Anything Vince Clarke, whether it's Erasure, Yaz, or Depeche Mode. It's basically R&B with synths. It's very sexy music and perfect for gay sex.
I think writing for anybody helps you order your life. It helps you arrange your emotions and your thoughts and it helps to provide perspective.
The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is.
I like films that are so funny, dramatic and lifelike simultaneously, that you are laughing and cringing simultaneously all throughout the film.
They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"
A college degree was very important for them; it wasn't for me. So I picked English because I'm fluent. I thought it would be the easiest to do.
I've got quite a strong drive, and that can be slightly deplorable. Struggling to become a famous comedian - there's something weird about that.
I have made a decision that in future, I will only take on movies that have a better than 75 per cent chance of being made, and that's not easy.
When you know who you are, you know who you are. That's the real dangerous thing in Hollywood, because they all want to create you and mold you.
I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.
I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't write a space movie if you put a gun to my head.
Jesus was a pothead- long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter- do the math it all adds up. Living with twelve guys with no visible means of support.
Vegas needs a really funny, dirty, late-night show, and I'll tell it like it is, I promise you that. And you gotta love the audience I bring in.
Steven Spielberg's mother, who said to E.T., I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed! Never got a dinner!
There are three different modes: playing piano, just me at the microphone, and me at my effects units. And I can mix those up in different ways.
I used to steal pens at the store. Back in the day when you would write checks, I would write a check and use the pen, and I would keep the pen.
Some people try to say I'm British by the way I'm speaking. But I think I'm more Canadian, because I speak really slow. Midwestern and Canadian.
I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!
We demand that the government of Canada force Stockwell Day to change his first name to Doris. "Why do this," you may ask? Because it'll be fun.
My ideal meal would probably be the cheesiest pasta or pizza, followed by something creamy and chocolaty. I mean, just the worst things, really.
I think comedy has to be an intellectual pursuit. It comes down to logic and analysis. As soon as it becomes emotional, it's not comedy anymore.
I'm going to try really hard not to be bossy, but I've only done stand-up comedy and then my own show where you're the total boss of everything!
If I was to get into Twitter I'd expose myself to people who adore me or people who absolutely hated me. Neither of those are useful to my soul.