Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
Ironically, my rabbi was a bar mitzvah Nazi. So I got bar mitzvahed. And though I didn't want to, the theme of my bar mitzvah party was Madonna.
I'm from Minnesota! I used to work Knuckleheads at the Mall of America as a stand-up. I spent New Year's there once. I'm not trying to namedrop.
All my fans saw me as some little kid who can't even afford new jeans in his room, so they'll support me. That'll work until I become a success.
Since I got an audience before I even had a comic voice, my material that really wasn't worthy of an audience somehow got it, slightly unfairly.
I am finally a lady of leisure, and it suits me fine. For the first time in almost 10 decades, I don't have an agenda or a structure to my days.
I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.
I really love making movies. I just have this yearning in my stomach to go back and somehow subversively screw up television a little bit again.
The great comics can fall on their faces, but then they can say, 'Oh, baby, you're the greatest.' They show their heart and their vulnerability.
My first jobs were all civil service. At 14, I worked for the Canadian National Railways. At 16, I worked for the Canadian Penitentiary Service.
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.
Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.
What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?
I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.
What price would God demand from the churches for having the audacity to lighten the color of his son's skin, and straighten out his nappy hair?
When I first broke through, there was only NBC, CBS and ABC, and they had news in the morning and in the evening - there wasn't no 24-hour news.
I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning.
I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh.
I just had a baby girl. My daughter weighed 27 pounds. She was 3 years old. She was delivered to me by way of the court system and a blood test.
[Deadpool] is definitely squirm-inducing. It's a pretty hard R, violence-wise. But cartoony, also. Maybe fast-forward through to torture scenes.
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
When, in 1966, I progressed to The Frost Report, I was paid ten guineas a minute. I was guaranteed three minutes a week, so this was good money.
It just seems to me that there's no particular reason comedy albums should be dead. There's a lot to laugh at. We have very funny people, still.
I study a lot of philosophy. I want to be an example of how to enjoy this success, and that's exactly what I've done. I've enjoyed every moment.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!
The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.
I like to drive nice cars; since I live in New York, and I don't drive there, it's a novelty to be on the road and drive and listen to my music.
I went to a restaurant the other day called 'Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I don't hate myself, as a general rule. I'd say the best way to describe it is that I have moments of self-loathing at fairly regular intervals.