Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
Ladies Commit, There's A Wedding In It For You.
I love the basic comedy of growing a moustache.
I don't think people know what hygienist means.
Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.
I wanted to give the house back to the parents.
Fear of feeling bad rarely makes one feel good.
They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer
How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.
A flu shot just compromises your immune system.
I have no real want or need to be a movie star.
... some of the best sex I can barely remember.
Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?
I pray there's a God...I know there's an Oprah.
My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.
God bless America. But God, please help Canada.
Never underestimate the power of a simple tool.
I had beautiful wavy hair and a waxed mustache.
I could sell used battery acid and make it fly.
Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.
Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
I still have drive, but everything is relative.
What's the weather like? ... It's fierce mild!
It takes 20 years to make an overnight success.
I didn't want to be big Mr. Ego walking around.
Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose
I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.
Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?
I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.
Be the weirdest little weird in all Weird Town.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I suffer fools gladly because I am one of them.
The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.
It's always nice to be paid to be in Las Vegas.
Is being an idiot like being high all the time?
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
I don't know. Maybe [sex-ed] is my new calling?