Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I remember the first check I got for 'The Office,' and it made me feel sad. It ruined it. ... Because there was sort of a nobility in poverty.
I've never done anything for the common consensus. I do things to please me. If you are happy with something yourself, you become bulletproof.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
You can imagine in China it's like: 'Ching chong hugong, ching chong kong, Danny Devito. Ching chong chong chong chong. The View. Ching chong!
There was [really] little difference between someone acting throwing french fries in your face and someone throwing french fries in your face.
Anyone who's been poor and gets rich is stalked by guilt and fear. Guilt because you know it isn't fair, that life hasn't changed for everyone
Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.
Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.
When you're a comic, it's like being born gay. It's what you want to do every night when your other friends are out at night going to parties.
It's just hard to say, "Well, I do this, which means this." If I'm telling you exactly who I am, then there's nothing for the audience to say.
Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully. Temperance is wickedness.
The only people who are obsessed with food are anorexics and the morbidly obese. That, in erotic terms, is the Catholic church, in a nutshell.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
Everyone's heard the same joke a million times and knows the setups. They are tired of the mass-marketed entertainment served on the networks.
My wife thinks a B&B is a romantic getaway. I think it's creepy, sharing coffee with strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before.
I don't consider anything I'm doing as generous. In the new model of the world, I hope people will consider whatever I'm doing as just normal.
I love to meet my fans, and after every show I usually hang out for a few hours, talking to my fans, signing autographs, and selling T-shirts.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
I want my audience to be my friends - that is when they will get the best comedy. If they see me as a performer, they won't get the best show.
I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?
If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.
I would love to do a sitcom. I see myself as an older woman, getting married, and her stepchildren, who are in their twenties, move back home.
It's being willing to walk away that gives you strength and power - if you're willing to accept the consequences of doing what you want to do.
Should I be worried about being a slave and being returned to slavery? Because certain things happened in the Constitution that had to change.
I've never been a conceited person or cocky, never felt boastful, but I always had a sense of self-worth; I always had a real sense of myself.
I laugh like a fool when I watch a movie that I've done several years down the road when it's on cable, i'll just watch and sadly laugh along.
I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good.
Religion is something we don't talk about, and it is used by uneducated people as a weapon to divide us as opposed to connect with each other.
I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.
I'll always push myself because that's the journey of life. We do go through things. Some of it's incredibly great and some of it's really bad.
After you've read a novel, you only retain a vague memory of its contents. You remember the atmosphere, the odd image or phrase or vivid cameo.
I used to watch a lot of Nick at Nite as a kid, and it would play the original 'Saturday Night Live,' 'The Carol Burnett Show,' and 'Laugh-In.'
My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
My comedy comes from the actual music itself - they're observational musical gags. I could take the music away and it would just be some words.
Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He's the coolest. I've never met The Rock though.
Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.
People say children are charming because they tell the truth. That's a lie. I've got five of them. They only tell the truth if they're in pain.
Images of resentment and revenge only have us spending the precious moments of our lives imagining the 'other' as both dangerous and important!
Republicans have pounced. They're outraged. They say, 'How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?'
Every time [Rand Paul] opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.
The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.
I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!
Almost every day, someone asks if I ever flat iron my hair. I say, 'No, because I'm afraid it wouldn't look good and wouldn't come back curly.'
Once I started doing stand-up, everything fell into place. That was when I started acting more; I felt like I'd found my place in the business.