Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Academics act like they are important, but when something is academic it is meaningless. People say, 'It's academic, now let's get work done.'
You know what I would do? I would remake The Wizard of Oz with Robin Williams, and that's it. Just let him do the whole dang thing by himself.
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.
Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on?
On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
What keeps me going is that this I all there is. I am a comedian, and this is what I do. It's like telling a fish to stop swimming. It'll die.
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.
You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot, live in a coed dorm, have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!
President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn't that a condom ad?
President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.
Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.
You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!
Even if it's L.A. and it's warmer, we're not supposed to be revving up right now. I don't like everyone's energy around [winter] time of year.
I haven't got time in my life to do all the things I should be doing, like running and dieting and decorating my house, buying some furniture.
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.
I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
I date but nothing really long term. I haven't had much luck. I probably haven't met the right woman. Most probably know to stay away from me.
My mom ate every piece of butter in the Midwest, she lived till she was 90. And my dad, he smoked, he drank - we finally just had to kill him.
Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.
When I was a kid there was a show called 'Holmes & Yo-Yo' about a robot cop. I LOVED that show and I think it only lasted like three episodes.
I think seeing Pryor's first movie, Live In Concert, when I was in high school changed my life. Pryor really put the heart in darkness for me.
A few words about ‘trannychasing.’ I am not a trannychaser. Ok, actually I am a trannychaser. No I am not. I am a trannycatcher! Just kidding!
I've always loved going to see Broadway shows. I've seen 'em all: Rent, Chorus Line, Cats, West Side Story, Guys & Dolls, Wicked, you name it!
I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But they're also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset.
What I always studied in screenwriting from my mentor John Glavin was that the most interesting characters are characters with shades of gray.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
I haven't watched 'Half Baked' in 17 years, since I was editing it. It's like looking at an old picture where you have bad bangs or something.
I love the Boosh, but there were so many people around us that it became a cash cow. Everyone's going, 'Do this. Do that. This is the answer'.
I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.
I would always rather shoot for something unique and fail than do a script because I feel like they're hitting all the right mainstream beats.
I love a small dinner party - let's say six people, max, were everybody's having the same conversation. That's my favorite thing in the world.
I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.
The biggest fear that I have is settling into too many set behavior patterns, where I feel like I'm no longer exploring possibilities anymore.
I love the whole futuristic landscape of dark, rainy neon, the mix of Eastern and Western cultures and the beautiful shots of the flying cars.
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.
What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?
I use people's real voices because I want realism. So often I mention the actors' physicality because I want it to be like a real documentary.