Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I went to Cambridge and thought I would stay there. I thought I would quietly grow tweed in a corner somewhere and become a Don or something.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Controversy seems to be a by-product of what I do, rather like offence is the by-product of a dog urinating on the pavement. It just happens.
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
On movies, you have a lot of stylists that get things too pretty. Everything gets steamed and ironed. It's just not the way we really behave.
More than anything, the weed really helped with my mental state, because marijuana works on the brain. And if anything, it soothes the brain.
I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
I've learned to take time for myself and to treat myself with a great deal of love and respect, because I like me.. I think I'm kind of cool.
I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.
I think that at the end of the day correcting misinformation and questioning what we think we know as a habit of mind is incredibly important.
I don't think I'd ever get thin, but I don't see why I should necessarily think that I couldn't... You can't live your life for your routines.
I ride because there’s nothing like in the world. It’s a passion. It’s something I absolutely have to do and I can never imagine not doing it.
CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.
I read 'Crime and Punishment' years ago and don't recall the details of it, but I do retain a strong sense of the creeping paranoia and panic.
What I am trying to do is create a space for people to explore what they want to be, as opposed to fit into a label that they have been given.
When things get stressful and crazy and you think to yourself, 'When will this get easier?' it won't, because that's what a career feels like.
'Death In Paradise' is my dream job - a fascinating character, great scripts, superb cast, and shooting in the Caribbean with French catering.
Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.
For college seniors there should be a week of being allowed to cry. Just break down and cry because you are scared and don't know what's next.
Change isn't always easy, but with purposeful practice, any old habit can be replaced with a way of being we would recommend to those we love.
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!
Clint Eastwood's speech was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican Party: A confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist.
It's a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who's got shrapnel still in his body, as Chuck Hagel does.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage. He said marriage is a sacred union between a groupie and any number of body builders.
What is Kanye West's message? Like most rap, "I am the greatest person ever and you're not." I used to call it affirmative action for the ego.
My first concern is that when you go to a show, you should be present. It's much more exciting to put the camera down and lose yourself in it.
I'm not as incredibly prolific as Louis C. K., and I'm definitely not doing a completely brand-new hour probably by the beginning of the tour.
In every other aspect of their life, we have entertainment that is crafted almost to an individual. So they expect that from stand-up as well.
If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.
What I do is that I really, really try hard to make sure the things that I do comes from a pure place in my heart and my intent is a pure one.
This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.
I have three daughters. I wanted them to be raised where there are real seasons and where everyone their age wasn't trying to get into movies.
Stand-up isn't something I just sit down and start writing - it's ideas you come up with in the shower, while you're driving, waiting in line.
I have opinions about the differences between Memphis barbecue and Texas barbecue. Put me in the kitchen and you'll see how Southern I can be.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."
I had a slight touch of Tourette's, which means you talk to yourself and bark and cry out at night. I find myself talking to myself sometimes.
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject.
When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.
My father was a first reader in the Christian Science Church, which is similar to being a preacher. There was no drinking, smoking or cursing.