Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Someone will say to me, Oh that's so Jewish to interrupt. I say to myself, okay, is that code for you hate Jews? Or am I just being paranoid?
Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
I broke my wrist at summer camp playing a game called 'volleybat,' which was baseball but with a volleyball. It is as dangerous as it sounds.
I have - and this isn't a thing I talk about often - a decent set of legs. There's an unexpected musculature that lends them a healthy shape.
The owner of one club once interrupted my set to inform me that my taxi had arrived. I don't think he meant it to sound as cutting as it did.
I'm not one of those stand ups that's going to write a show about a big subject or try and tell you about the death of a parent or something.
Improv requires your audience to be informed about what improv is. With stand-up, anybody can sit down and watch stand-up and laugh at jokes.
Every year, dads will dress up as Santa and try to surprise their kids by coming down the chimney, and every year, a dad gets stuck and dies.
I think everybody is entitled to say whatever they want. I'm not going to call for anybody to be fired. That's not what America is all about.
Everyone told me that British sitcom was dead. Then I looked at 'Seinfeld' and 'Frasier' and thought, 'No it's not, it just needs more gags.'
I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.
Conversation is a beautiful thing. When I was a younger guy, just wandering around talking to people was what kept me connected to the world.
Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.
I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part.
It's important to hold something back, though, because quite frankly my personal life is pretty dull and I don't want to bore people with it.
I have been unusually blessed in that I've been allowed to pursue two strands of a career that both delight me and seem to please the public.
I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But theyre also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset.
Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
I do not have a bride gene. I haven't been planning a wedding since I was 3. I never put a sheet on my head and pretended that it was a veil.
I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments.
I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don't like to memorize words.
The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term.
I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.
I'm grateful that I had that uphill battle for 10 years of going onstage and having nobody know who I was, because you have to win them over.
There's something kind of beautiful about that pure love of things. Like, "I'll show that I love the thing I love by hating everything else."
We have a lot of black Anglo-Saxons. Their skin is black, but their brain is white. When I get real mad at them, I call them graham crackers.
I could drop dead tomorrow, the truth will be here. Truth is forever; when you read our history, truth is forever, and it always outs itself.
It's true that in show business, a lot of times a producer will just not ever be there, not even be aware that a show is renewed or canceled.
I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.
Same sex marriage isn't gay privilege, it's equal rights. Privilege would be something like gay people not paying taxes. Like churches don't.
The best way to avoid criticism is never do anything ever. Or, do what you love, have a great life & let others spend their time criticising.
It's quite easy to make a load of people laugh, it's often a reflex action, but I think to make them cry is harder without manipulating them.
You try to make characters you care about, and I think realism helps. Even though this is a high concept, the characters have got to be real.
I like the ironic pomposity of a stand-up comedian. Like all those comedians thinking they can bring down Coca-Cola. They forget to be funny.
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
It's probably my favorite part of my whole showbiz experience, is Broadway. The community of Broadway. That feeling that happens every night.
Of course, everybody's family is dysfunctional - we've accepted that. What are we supposed to do? Hate our parents for the rest of our lives?
They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.
A remembrance can mean nothing to the one remembered; it can only remind the ones left behind how little they did while you were still alive.
If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.
I can get a script and go, "Well, I'd rather do stand-up." I don't hold movies in higher regard. I love making videos and posting. I love TV.
Growing up, I always loved Disney movies, but the first movie I remember seeing is 'Sleepers,' so I wasn't really taken to children's movies.
I was in high school when Will Ferrell was first on 'Saturday Night Live', and I remember thinking, 'Man, that guy is the funniest guy ever.'
Yooralla, like most disability service organisations, is full of good people who are passionate about the rights of people with disabilities.
Mankind can live free in a society hemmed in by laws, but we have yet to find a historical example of mankind living free in lawless anarchy.