Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you make your best friend and your significant other the same person, you don't have to disconnect to go tell your girlfriend everything.
I guess [Richard] Pryor was that good. I never saw him in a theater, but I imagine he was that good, because he was such a phenomenal actor.
Sometimes I'm more inspired by stuff that tells a story and less inspired by stuff that's not a natural extension of what I'm already doing.
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.
The ideas that you find funny and the things that you are offering to an audience are tied up with who you are and your soul and your heart.
A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.
I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.
I am a comedian. My brain is critical - it's overthinking - but you can find ways to turn it down and realize that's not who you really are.
Innovations, instantly followed by a demented lust for them, now arrive with dizzying speed, not just daily, but in one-hour delivery slots.
My audience has accepted me for a long time as, you know, not a fat comedian but a comedian who happens to be fat. That's a huge difference.
I bought my parents a home before they died, and they got to see that I was going to be all right. They always thought I would go someplace.
I love how people walk around with crucifixes, skullcaps, pointy hats, funny beards and then say 'you should keep your atheism to yourself.'
Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right. Some people are offended by mixed marriage, gay people, atheism. So what? F*** 'em.
I know how much embarrassment hurts, and I love it as a theme because you can keep digging a hole. It's just an endless well, embarrassment.
That's the buzz for me, the creative process. An idea is never as good as when it's in your head. And then it's just how little you ruin it.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
Jimmy Carr is a very nice man who works incredibly hard and has donated loads of money to good causes. He's done absolutely nothing illegal.
I want to change the world, and do something valuable and beautiful. I want people to remember me before I'm dead, and then more afterwards.
I'm a vegetarian. I believe that we're all equal. I ain't got no right to kill. Say a fly comes in my house, I tolerate that little a**hole.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!
At some point, the pride has to be a part of the whole day-to-day oeuvre. It's part of who you are and doesn't need to be discussed anymore.
I certainly wish Gov. Palin no harm. I'd just like her to explain to me how she can hold such outrageous views...and then go back to Alaska.
Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.
When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.
If you decide to do comedy that involves risk, risk means risk, and you can't complain of flesh wounds if you sit down at the table to play.
I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch.
I do believe in monsters oddly enough. I think they're under my bed. But aliens are ridiculous; monsters I think are real completely though.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
I'm absolute attacking my own instinct for politeness, but I think I admire artists who just speak out or who are strong, so it's very hard.
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I have a freelancer's mentality: if I leave the country for more than 24 hours on a non-work trip, I believe I will never be employed again.
I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?
Fortunately my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races she never asks any questions, if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog.
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.
President Bush says we've turned the corner in Iraq. What is that, about 16 corners we've turned? I think they call that running in circles.
I don't want to change people's opinions to my political opinion; I want to enlighten people and make them think about the world differently.
I'm more inclined to linger in the science pages of 'The Week' magazine. But my principle obsessions are still watching sitcoms and football.
I don't drive around London much. Any journey around Islington involves hundreds of speed bumps that seem to tear the bottom of your car off.
I was taught that in this country if you work hard, you can do anything, and I don't see a lot of those principles in children's books today.
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.
I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.
They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..."
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic.
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
People going off on politics on Grindr is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. That's an immediate sign to run in the other direction.