Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
I believe that a man called Jesus did walk the earth at one time but I don't think he was the superhero that the Bible makes him out to be.
Atlanta is interesting. You have high education rates but there are plenty of regular folks. People have degrees but chop wood on weekends.
You talk to - I had a good fortune of getting to spend a lot of time with Uncle Miltie and guys like Buddy Hackett before they passed away.
Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.
I don't use the term 'miracle' lightly. I don't believe in God, or reincarnation, or destiny, or the Publishers' Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Animals are not here for us to do as we please with. We are not their superiors, we are their equals. We are their family. Be kind to them.
Since there is absolutely no logical reason to assume there is an afterlife, I decided to make the life I have now as much fun as possible.
Atheism is the lack of belief in a god (or gods). It makes no claim. It merely rejects the claim that a god (or gods) exists. Nothing more.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.
If the Royal Variety Show was put in a matter transportation machine with the Royal Institution Christmas lectures, this is what you'd get.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I know, people were like, "It's all right that she's gay, but she doesn't have to look so gay." Trust me - I'm never cutting my hair again!
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".
This is the point. One technology doesn't replace another, it complements. Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
There are some things I don't like, about which I think, well, that's me. But coriander is a giant hoax perpetrated by a perverted society.
I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.
I gather a repulsive nobody writing in a paper no one of any decency would be seen dead with has written something loathesome and inhumane.
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spent my earliest years in Colwyn Bay in north Wales with my mother and grandmother, while my father was stationed with the RAF in India.
I wasn't paying enough attention to what my heart was telling me. When I paid attention and got the message, I could move forward and heal.
The smartest billionaires I know never finished high school. I got my degree and my doctorate on the street and an advanced degree in jail.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
In my business, you have so many things going at once - TV shows, projects, movies - and sometimes, things never actually come to fruition.
There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation's history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.
I dont drive around London much. Any journey around Islington involves hundreds of speed bumps that seem to tear the bottom of your car off.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git.
The optimum frequency with which comedians should do a series is every year. I do one every three years. My audience is literally dying off.
I know what you wanted to say, Do you think that electrocution rewired your brain to make you the retard that you are? You can say it, lady.
Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German.
I just got a new iPod. It's got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
When I'm watching Tom Servo, I don't feel like I'm in my own body; I'm just reacting and saying what the character in front of me would say.
I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?
I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop.
Perspective is what allows us to step back and see the entire forest instead of just the same old tree we keep running into again and again.
Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck.
The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.
This country hates professors. It likes Toby Keith - 'I'm gonna put a boot in their ass.' If you don't do that, somehow you can't be strong.
I like talking to a person who is crazy in a fun, eccentric way. I don't want to talk to a legitimate crazy person, because that's not nice.
Facebook is weird. They have all of these seemingly random rules that I'm sure make sense to them, but don't make sense to me or any people.
Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?
Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you're the fool in charge.
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.
You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?