Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I observe everything around me and when something hits me and it's funny, that's what I talk about. I'm a more observational kind of comic.
All ideas come about through some sort of observation. It sparks an attitude; some object or emotion causes a reaction in the other person.
Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.
Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
I don't like men who blow-dry their hair. If you are a man and you blow-dry your hair, then I don't like you and that's all there is to it.
We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.
Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.
My sister and I are incredibly close, and we created together from childhood through the time we spent in Chicago at the Annoyance Theatre.
I really learned how to improvise at the Groundlings.It's something I've always loved to do. For some reason it feels more honest at times.
My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.
The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.
I think what's happening is that women are allowed to be funnier as we stop pretending that there are subjects that they shouldn't address.
Smoking wildwood flower got to be a habit, we didn't see no harm. We thought it was kind of handy, to take a trip and never leave the farm.
I don't think you can only have people with disability talking about the Paralympics. Clare Balding didn't need to be disabled to cover it.
I don't profess to be an expert on anything, or have the memory for who ran in 1952. I am an informed American citizen, that's my position.
I'm a flirt by nature, and I like flirting with that line of what's passable and what's not, and I genuinely don't believe that I cross it.
Genius is often called crazy, but crazy is never called genius. So you just have to put out the work and let the chips fall where they may.
I hate flying. I'm not a big fan of flying at all so everywhere I go I go by tour bus. If I have to fly I will but I'm not a big fan of it.
I've never judged anybody by how they look or how they dress. I basically judge them on their character. And that's how I lead my own life.
I take care of everybody. I'm either hugging you or making sure that you're not sick, because my backpack has every kind of medicine in it.
Why is being a woman so surprising? There are two sexes. A man and a woman. So, if it's not a man in a movie, what else was it going to be?
If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.
I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.
I'm at 23 feet, diving into 17 feet of water. I'm over 400 pounds. Who doesn't want to see that? I do. I'm always shocked that I can do it.
I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.
I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It's an amazing feeling.
strange, there's so much religion in the world, but only enough to make us fight over who is right, not enough to make us love one another.
In America, I'm a foreigner because of my Korean heritage. In Asia, because I was born in America, I'm a foreigner. I'm always a foreigner.
I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
The things I care about are the most pedestrian things in the world. I care about good ice cream and being a good dad and a decent husband.
I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'
You know the expression, 'You're only as sick as your secrets?' I believe that, and I think I try to have my work live by that to a degree.
The moment I walk into a room, I have kind of like the Terminator's tracking system for where the food is, and I can get there immediately.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"
Dramas make me laugh. The other day, I saw 'The Place Beyond the Pines,' and I was giggling the whole time. I laugh when I'm uncomfortable.
Black audiences are probably the toughest for me to make laugh. I've gotten pretty good at performing for them, but it's still a challenge.
I won't tackle something like furries, because there's nothing new to say. Also, I won't do anything that I think will put my life at risk.
I find it depressing that people think you have to be on drugs to watch [my stuff], that’s a cop out, use your brain, use your imagination.
I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.
I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all the travel, hotels, and airports.
When Huell Howser died, James Adomian had done Huell Howser for years. As crazy as that impression was, James genuinely loved Huell Howser.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.