Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I got into comedy at exactly the right moment.
I've been six feet tall since the sixth grade.
I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.
Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.
Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.
I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas.
I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'
The next evolutionary step is into the screen.
People get really irritated by mental illness.
I hate puns. And, I'm tired of pardoning them.
The whole world is out of step, apart from me.
What fun is life without a bit of showing off?
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
I found people looked better when they laughed
I start with the joke line and write backward.
All's fair if you have a really good attorney.
I think writing is a glorious and noble thing.
Comedy wasn't something I chose - it chose me.
I could survive in a Turkish prison, probably.
That's insanity. We must be good all the time.
When someone thanks God, I don't get offended.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
What once made you safe now drives you insane.
Neither me or my wife are any good at cooking.
Vegans are murderers, just like everyone else.
We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
I'm a bit of a coward, and lazy, oddly enough.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
A lot of movies aren't intended for everybody.
Isn't this enough? Just this world? Just THIS?
There's a communist living in the White House!
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.
People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
I've always been kind of an information sponge.
Most of the Communists I knew were nice people.
I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.