Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Young people are narcissistic. They become less narcissistic as they age, but they become crankier about younger people being narcissistic.
I don't think I'd ever get thin, but I don't see why I should necessarily think that I couldn't You can't live your life for your routines.
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
My father was driven, active and always busy. We didn't see that much of him, although he never went far away or stayed overnight anywhere.
Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners.
Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.
First they didn't believe in evolution. Then they didn't believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call 'the moron trifecta.'
My favorite Tyler Perry movie? Ugh, how can you decide? For me, it's basically like: Kurosawa, Tyler Perry, Martin Scorsese, in that order.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
Miniskirts have become quite a fad. They're even some guys wearing them. Don't laugh, if you had thought to of that, you'd not be here now.
Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.
My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.
It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.
As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.
I don't think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was I should cut my bangs.
You're not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don't shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!
I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.
At the end of the day, it not only doesn't make logical sense to deny licenses to undocumented immigrants, it doesn't make financial sense.
I guess what really made me a Dodgers fan from the beginning was that the team had Jackie Robinson, the first 'Negro' in the major leagues.
Women, tend to talk more than men, and they do this thing where they say things that can easily be shown. Like, they don't need to do that.
You walk into a strip club with a wad of cash; they all flock around you. Strippers are just pigeons with tits. They go where the bread is.
I really like Jeff Lewis and 'Flipping Out' and 'Interior Therapy.' I don't know why I'm obsessed with American real estate and renovation.
The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.
I'm happier in the way a guy gets happier when he starts to mature. It doesn't make things easier, but I'm so much better at handling them.
The trombone is not meant for romance... any instrument that hawks up it's own loogie every ten minutes is not meant for wooin' the ladies.
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.
Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.
If all you can do is judge a person by their appearance, because you don't have the spirit to judge someone from within, you're in trouble.
I feel that the same God-force that is the mother and father of the Pope is also the mother and father of the loneliest wino on the planet.
I've never had guys sit me down and say this is what you've got to do. It's my personality that makes me one of a kind, and I believe that.
Everything I do on stage, I made up in saloons. I started doing it in front of people, and that became my performance. I never had writers.
Honestly, I didn't realize it - all of a sudden, I was 90. The years skipped by quickly. When it happened, I said, 'Where did the time go?'
P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.
Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.
The image of a community is fundamentally important to its economic well-being. If all places look alike, there's no reason to go anywhere.
I think the special thing about Python is that it's a writers' commune. The writers are in charge. The writers decide what the material is.
The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
I consider the coke a major cause. Of course, you could also make the argument that because cocaine speeds up the heart, it's good for you.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.