Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The demand for standup in the eighties was created by how easy it was to exploit 'comedians' and create very cheap television programming.
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
The only thing that was sort of Asian [as a role model] was Hello Kitty. I don't want to model myself after Hello Kitty. She has no mouth.
I'm writing a record of comedy songs. I'm doing all these collaborations with artists. I bring them lyrics and they write the music to it.
Part of what's exciting to me about my career is the constant looking forward. Whenever I finish one project, I am looking to what's next.
Cats are unpredictable because they're wild and domestic at the same time. Watching a cat's behavior is like a small window into the wild.
Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
The fear of public speaking is a primal fear. You can train your body to not be crazy when you're doing it, but it truly is a primal fear.
Reality does get a bad rap. But I'm not concerned about it 'cause I know who I am. They can edit it, but you are in charge of what you do.
I've been in fandom for a really long time. Back in the day, you had to go to a con to engage in fandom, and that was really the only way.
Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.
Every zombie story is fundamentally about a breakdown of order, with the infrastructure intact. That infrastructure might be on fire, yes.
I think that we all enjoy silliness to varying degrees but I think everyone can enjoy a relatable thing if it is expressed in a funny way.
What I'm doing is not really based on a definite identification or a definition of what it is. It's intended to be open to interpretation.
Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
If all the Atheists & Agnostics left America, they'd lose 93% of The National Academy of Sciences & less than 1% of the prison population.
It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.
I'm a militant fundamentalist atheist. I'm going to get on a crowded train, unbutton my coat and say rational things. People will be hurt.
Dear Religion, This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school. Yours, Science.
Fact is stranger than fiction. You see people walking down the street that would never be allowed on television. You have to tone it down.
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.
It should go without saying that there are as many working-class people who hold socially liberal views as there are public-school bigots.
No, feminism isn't 'over.' We need it not only to challenge injustice but because the whole gender expectations thing is bad for men, too.
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
Total revolution of consciousness and our entire social, political and economic system is what interests me, but that's not on the ballot.
It doesn't take an incredible manner of analysis to reveal that our primary desires are incessantly stimulated to keep us basic consumers.
I think all our leaders are utterly beneath us. You just watch 'Prime Minister's Questions' and go: 'How is this the best that we've got?'
When you are doing stand up, it is the most glorious hour, when you are an X-Men version of yourself, with lasers coming out of your eyes.
I do a lot of cultural material that's based on my traveling around the world. I basically just report what I've seen and where I've been.
Seriousness is no more a guarantee of truth, insight, authenticity or probity, than humour is a guarantee of superficiality and stupidity.
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I'm in this for the long haul, I want to be doing this until I die. I am a standup comedian. I know a lot of people say I'm not, but I am.
A person riding a unicycle on a tightrope doesn't worry about being likeable; they're doing something amazing that very few people can do.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
Stand-up keeps you alive. It is definitely the most specialized field in comedy because you need to stay sharp and well-tuned every night.
I hate using this term [miracle]. I'm a man of science. I'm a doctor. I don't use this word. But he said, it's a miracle your mom's alive.
Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.
Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
Everybody says not enough people vote. Now, I don't know nothing, but after the midterms, pretty obvious to me, that too many people vote.
The biggest disabilities are when you sabotage yourself mentally, those personal demons that get on your shoulder and you can't shake 'em.
I loved 'Beakman's World' growing up. As much as I loved 'Bill Nye,' I always preferred 'Beakman's World' because I thought it was funnier.
Wading River was a gorgeous place to grow up and I feel very lucky there was a wood by our house where I could go explore when I was a kid.
In a live setting, the audience is trapped and can't leave. That really makes the audience be with you and laugh more because you're there.
I wrote for this sketch group called Olde English for about six years and we made a movie together, but we sort of stopped making sketches.