Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
I have all these weird fantasies. Going coast-to-coast on my motorcycle and having random barbecues all over America. No show, no nothing.
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
Once we used to have to crank up our cars, now you can pop it on from inside your house. Everything has changed except how we get freedom.
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?
I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.
Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.
My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
If I'm crisp and economical in my delivery, have smooth transitions, movement and animation, and flights of fancy, that would get me an A.
The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
I keep my scrapbooks in the car. When I come to a stoplight, I start looking through my past. Sometimes I wish the red lights were longer.
Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!
When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.
My wife at times will say I'm stubborn, selfish, insensitive, vague, deaf at times, blah, blah, blah... but she's never said I was boring!
When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.
I'm a walker. I enjoy walking, which I think psychologically expresses my feelings of wanting liberation without exerting myself too much.
You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about her.'
Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.
Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.
It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.
There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it's the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up.
Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment.
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
I can only think of one wacky best friend who I thought was awesome: Rhys Ifans in 'Notting Hill.' He really nailed the wacky best friend.
I'm not like Woody Allen like, "Oh my god what's going to happen? Ooh Ooh Oohhh." I'm just high-strung. So I do need to do a lot of stuff.
The truth is, you can be honest with your friends - but you just can't be honest with the general public if you want to keep your friends.
I admire the Elsie Tanners and Barbara Windsors of the world: people who have crawled back from the abyss. I'm quite camp in that respect.
The thing that interests me most about family history is the gap between the things we think we know about our families and the realities.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'
From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.
I love doing the radio, and it's different every day. But stand-up is just you and the immediate reaction of the audience. So I love both.
I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.
I'd hope that when Channel 4 started, 'The Last Leg' was the kind of show it wanted to be putting out. I think they're really proud of it.
The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see.
I've always felt that if you've been blessed, you should try to help as many people as you can. I just think that's the right thing to do.
There are probably about 50 comedians who would come to my 50th birthday party but I'm not sure how many of them would come to my funeral.
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.