Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't subscribe to the idea that if you don't have the body you want, you can't be proud of the body you have. I think you can do both.
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.
All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.
I certainly don't walk around my home or being with my family and just using profane language all the time, but on stage, it's a constant.
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 is the most miserable thing any human being can do, but attending awards ceremonies isn't far behind.
I think of myself as an actor. The duty of an actor is to be able to impersonate anything - a child, an old man, a tree, a chair, a woman.
Those who have never worked nude outdoors just can't imagine how much better a breeze feels on their skin than an item of sweaty clothing.
I've been bumped, I've had to go up after them, I've had stuff thrown at me, I've been booed. I've had people steal from me and lie to me.
I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. I'm good flying up to four hours, but anything past that, I want to kill myself.
You'll have many, many friends, but if your relationship with your mate is one hundred per cent of your heart, you'll never need a friend.
My mother was an authority on pig sties. This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now.
To influence others to change, you must be able to frame that change in terms of the future, and in a way that has value to all concerned.
Children don't know that they are lovable until they are loved. They need to see it in our eyes before they can accept it in their hearts.
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.
In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show . . .
Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who’s trying to kill u – u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her.
If you really think you have something good, you can't take no for an answer. You've got to get in there and ignore the people who say no.
I chewed up a lot of Florida highway when I was starting out. Used to come to Tampa two or three times a year for about 10 years straight.
I'm bored way too easily. I'm staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?
I will always prefer a hardback book, but I'm drawn to digital because it's so easy to acquire them when I'm having a need-to-read moment.
Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.
Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?
I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.
My parents loved comedies, so we saw Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, the Ritz Brothers, and the Marx Brothers. I wanted to be one of them.
At the end of the day, my career is not going to be judged by one or two or three moments in time. It'll be judged by the longevity of it.
To me, talk shows are those things during the middle of the afternoon where the underbelly of society is made to look like Middle America.
Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.
My brother and I, we were both relatively good-looking guys growing up, but we had our awkward stages, where we were just hard to look at.
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.
When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.