Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have never pretended to be any kind of super-religious kind of man, but I feel very strongly that you can be funny without being dirty.
I'll tell you what 'The Simpsons' is really good at. They'll describe something, you don't see it, and it's funnier when you describe it.
The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see
For people who mourn for old Times Square - hey, there's a ton of places in the city still like that! Get on the train and go visit them!
I'm saying, come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?
People always ask my mom what I did as a kid. My mom says, "He wasn't a bad kid. He was never an unruly kid, always listened and obeyed."
Bobby Ball, who plays my dad in 'Not Going Out,' is very funny. He has a magical sense for comedy that nobody has been able to replicate.
It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?
Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.
I'm washing lettuce. Soon, I'll be on fries. In a few years, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'
Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!
You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless.
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'
Sex in general, for me, is a lot of different aspects of humanity, not just my relationships. It's my relationship to myself and my body.
I think that reaching out to kids that feel really isolated is a life saving gesture that we have a responsibility as older queers to do.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.
Just think of yourself as starting from zero every time. That's what I do with every new role. I'm at zero, and I'm going to do the work.
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
Ideally, a good pastor wants to empower a congregation to the point where they don't need him. You want everyone to leave feeling better.
If you want to be called a dwarf you must be in immediate possession of a battle axe cause otherwise your just a midget with an attitude.
The show doesn't drive home a lesson, but it can open up people's minds enough for them to see how stupid every kind of prejudice can be.
Ignisecond, n.: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
The reality is that when three or four networks are at the table with three or four political parties, someone is going to be the victim.
I've never been insulted by hateful satanists for not believing in their devil. Only by loving Christians for not believing in their God.
You are the result of billions of years of evolution. You will only live for a few years and will never exist again. Absolutely beautiful
We shouldn't even need the word 'atheism'. If people didn't invent ridiculous imaginary gods, rational people wouldn't have to deny them.
A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity.
Every time that I hear the orchestra tuning up, I get chills all over my body. You know, catharsis after catharsis. It's better than sex!
I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.
Unfortunately, most college kids these days aren't coming from any place-they seem to ask the same kind of questions over and over again.
The great thing about reading for Quentin [Tarantino] is you're not reading for him, he's reading with you. So he sits right next to you.
As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness.
A real education takes place, not in the lecture hall or library, but in the rooms of friends, with earnest frolic and happy disputation.
There is not any way that you can just choose the nice bits and say that means there is a God and ignore the true fact of what nature is.
The great thing about ageing is that your eyesight deteriorates at the same rate as your face. So I can't see how bad things are getting.
Food attracts a kind of nerdishness like any other sort of passion, and 'Cooks' Questions' is for those people who want to find out more.
As a child, I was awkward, fidgety, and shy, with a total inability to concentrate, and in that regard, I'm exactly the same as an adult.
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.
Now the [smartphone] has freed everybody, and so everybody gets better. No matter what you say, people will check you out on their phone.
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.
When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.