Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.
I'd be doing Oscar predictions months ahead of time, and not only for the Oscars, for the Grammys. This is just what excited me as a kid.
The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.
When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?
Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.
If we all die and there is no God, then it's just eternal unconsciousness, you'll never know, but if you're wrong... you'll know forever.
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? What's the guy supposed to say?
Hey, I was raised in the church. I was an altar boy and a choir member. I almost became a priest - until common sense grabbed hold of me.
I lived in an all-black neighborhood, followed by an all-white one, and other kids in the always called me Mexican in both neighborhoods.
I was interested in a lot of subjects from very early on. And that's uniquely Chicano because every Chicano I knew always had three jobs.
You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
I've always had a thing where, if I start something, it's gotta get finished. No matter how long it takes, I've gotta see it to fruition.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
Friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories.
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
The reason I do what I do is because I was influenced by Steve Martin, by Woody Allen, by Bob Newhart, by Carol Burnett, by Lucille Ball.
My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.
I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.
I love when they show the really gay prisoner in prison shows. He's the cutest inside but you know on the street he would be the ugliest.
I hope that as my career continues I get to create and work on more LGBT projects and bring LGBT storytelling into more mainstream media!
According to the Bank of England the economy is growing too fast so interest rates must rise to counter the supposed inflationary threat.
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.
More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.
Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging.
I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.
I stay on [Twitter] as Jen Kirkman, a person. It's just a way for me to connect with what I know and read everything and catch all areas.
If you're an old pro, you know how well you're doing when you're doing it, and your inner government spanks you if you're not doing well.
Gambling is part of the human condition. I love it. I have the best time gambling. I've been winning fortunes, and I've been losing them.
I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
If you become famous and you start making money, then people want to give you things. It's the exact opposite of how it's supposed to be.
There are many problems with being a comedian: the travel, the late nights, the pressure, the fear of running out of funny things to say.