Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My favorite movie is Lawrence Of Arabia. But that's a long, long movie. So although I've seen it several times, it's not as fun as Jaws.
I am very concerned about Barbara Streisand using the 'H' word - 'honkey.' That's what I am concerned about. I am worried about Barbara.
I enjoyed school - although I ran away on the first day. I'd reminded the teacher that it was nearly time for 'Watch With Mother' on TV.
I've been shortchanged and overlooked my whole life. And if you boo-hoo about everything, that's all you're going to do your whole life.
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
Telling someone with depression to pull themselves together is about as useful as telling someone with cancer to just stop having cancer
I went to university with no money. I can't understand a society that wouldn't give a poor person the same opportunity as a rich person.
Whether you understand they evolved over billions of years or believe that a God made them all one afternoon, please be kind to animals.
I think the job of a comedian is to make people laugh, but also challenge them to laugh at things they didn't know they could until now.
Celebrities, make it harder for hackers to get nude pics of you from your computer by not putting nude pics of yourself on the computer.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I'm quite a neurotic thinker, quite an adrenalized person. But after meditation, I felt this beautiful serenity and selfless connection.
Kids need to be educated about sex and sexuality and if they're going to have sex, learn how to protect themselves and not get pregnant.
I love performing. I love being a provocateur. I love putting myself in situations that are uncomfortable and that I have to get out of.
I talk to friends who get their feelings hurt when they read Twitter mentions. I have an amazing solution - don't read Twitter mentions.
I never want to be in a position where I have to defend my material. It's too subjective. It's for other people to defend or not defend.
It always seems crazy to tell people what to expect. That never works! So, I don't know what to say, other than that they can expect me.
I remember, when I was an up-and-coming comic, how annoyed I would be when the famous guys would show up and just take everyone's spots.
My husband, Sal, and I put date nights on the calendar once a week. I know that doesn't sound romantic, but otherwise it won't get done.
Glory never arrives through the front door. She sneaks in uninvited round the back or through an upstairs window while you are sleeping.
Coming out as gay was an easy enough matter for me, since I worked in a profession where being gay had a long history of being accepted.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
Everyone was talking about the gap between my teeth, my monocle, the fancy waistcoats I wore and the seven-inch cigarette holders I used
You can't sow an apple seed and expect to get an avocado tree. The consequences of your life are sown in what you do and how you behave.
You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!
Being gay is harder than being black. I didn't have to come out black. I didn't have to tell my parents about what its like to be black.
If you're willing to stand for what you believe in ... you won't need advice from me, because you will be able to handle whatever comes.
In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!
[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
I loved my family so much when I was growing up, my parents, my sister. I wanted to be able to give them everything they ever dreamed of.
If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
There are lots of channels and lots of companies looking for content, as they say, but it's quite difficult to get things off the ground.
If it turns out that Barry Bonds used steroids to bulk up and add muscle mass, he could get four to eight years as governor of California
I see my large nose, like half an avocado. I broke it falling downstairs when I was six, and it now resembles a large blob of play-dough.
I think any good standup or actor is part philosopher, part psychologist and sociologist, because you're constantly recreating behaviors.
I've been going bald since I was about 17. I'm still hanging on to my hair for dear life, but I do sometimes wonder - should I get a wig?
Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.
I'm one of those guys like whatever the situation is, as long as people are cool and everybody is trying to be funny, I have a good time.
Freedom isn't about having permission to do whatever we want... it's about having the courage to do whatever fills our life with meaning.
To spank or not to spank isn't the question the question is whether whether we are teaching a quality we want our kids to have as adults?
In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.
Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window.
Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'
I was out at the HBO party, these are liberals, I imagine, and a lot of people came up to me and said, "Keep giving it to the president."