Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.
I'm good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships.
My father had a hotel, and people in show business used to stay there. He loved peformers and entertainment, and I grew up knowing that.
I use profanity because I like profanity, but I'm not vulgar. Big difference. I love profanity because I really think profanity is cool.
I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
But I guess that's the way it is. When you lose something irreplaceable, you don't mourn for the thing you lost. you mourn for yourself.
Like the East Side tenement, our house was seldom without the sound of music or laughter or questions being asked or stories being told.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!
Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.
They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'
More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin.
You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.
Titles always sound so pretentious, and when I see a comedian, I just want the person to take flight, not stick to one topic or subject.
I think the movie industry has to pay attention that we need to make good quality films, or we are never going to get the business back.
In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic!
You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.
All major cities are the same. People have the same sensibilities and they get afraid of the same subjects, groaning at the same things.
It's an awesome thing to be flung out onto the stage twice a weekend in front of 250 people, and you have to make it up as you go along.
I love Britain. I'm an Irish citizen, but I was born in Canada, and I'm a British comedian, really. My entire career has been over here.
We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
We've got a deeply flawed political system with an insane overreaching extremist element, with a Supreme Court that is completely loony.
You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.
My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex - ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant.
You don't become a Republican until you lose all your baby teeth and fall down a lot and get the croup and then become angry and bitter.
I voice my opinions on social media and I have people threatening me with violence. It is troubling but I can fight back, which is good.
Christians often threaten atheists with eternal torture. But if we say that they're delusional, they will tell us that we're being rude.
If comedians were truly free of repression, there would not be an inherent need to perform for the love of a roomful of total strangers.
I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
It's way more fun to tell jokes for an hour than it is to sit in a room and bash your head against the wall trying to think of sketches.
The combination of us two was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You meet someone, and you just work, you have chemistry on stage, and writing.