Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I know I'm funny, and I like to be in front of people, and the fact that I'm good at that. It's the one thing that gave me self-esteem.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
I spend a lot of time thinking about what I do and how it fits into the scheme of things. I won't do something just because it's funny.
The name Crow was inspired by a number of things. I thought it would be cool to have a robot with sort of a Native American feel to it.
I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual.
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
I knew most of my radio listeners were lefty political people, and I decided definitively not to be that guy - not to address politics.
I have 3 dogs myself - I actually have a kennel license in order to do so. I love them so much I couldn't imagine my life without them.
I love Wilco's "I'm the Man Who Loves You." Nels Cline has that weird guitar slide at the beginning and the song is whispered actually.
I don't like catchphrases either. A current one would be, "Bye, Felicia." It's used so much that we don't even know the origin anymore.
I really love D.C.; it's one of my favorite places to perform. I always say when I come here, I feel like my IQ increases by 20 points.
So my reaction to hearing this corny-ass, horrible song ["With Arms Wide Open" by Creed] is violent, uncontrollable, sustained weeping.
I've never particularly liked travelling with large groups or being told where to go by somebody else. I prefer to find out for myself.
My last name has the word 'big' in it. It seems like a logical progression that if you shed away the Bir and the lia, I'll just be Big.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
I just don't have this magnetic personality that everyone is drawn to. I don't make friends easily... I'm just not one of those people.
When I say the n-word, black people are clear that I'm on their side. And it's not disingenuous - I am on black people's side, clearly.
If there are older black people in the audience that I can see I will not say the n-word. I know they grew up with a different meaning.
The thing you have to be on guard against, more than anything, is self-sabotage. You have to make sure you're not your own worst enemy.
I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me.
I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.
In showbiz one minute you're up there making thousands of people laugh, next minute you're picking up toffees, you know it's real life.
When we were touring with The Mighty Boosh, we went on a ghost tour of York. It was all about ghosts, and the tour guide was hilarious.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He's irresistible to me. I mean, seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
A buddy of mine was addicted to heroin and he told me that people who say quitting cigarettes is harder than quitting heroin are wrong.
I'm buying things for people I don't even know. I'm like Willy Wonka, but more manipulative. Imagine if Willy Wonka had a devious goal.
If the front-page news is a comedian doing a joke that people think is naughty, that proves there's no real news that day, does it not?
All comics want to be musicians. There's a part of me that wants to be a serious musician. I love songs about heartache and heartbreak.
There's someone on Twitter who pretends to be me but as long as he doesn't say anything damaging, I don't care. Let him get on with it.
For lots of us, disabled people are not our teachers or our doctors or our manicurists. We're not real people. We are there to inspire.
You don't sit down and write a wish list about the person you are going to fall violently in love with. It just doesn't work like that.
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.
I always want to have fun and be silly and be childish. I'm very childish. I am at my happiest when I am a child and I am just playing.
It was a privilege to experience life beyond the cliches and to witness the vibrancy, chaos, and multiculturalism of Bengal first hand.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
I could always make people around me laugh. It was more of a defense mechanism more than anything else, because I was a pretty shy guy.
There are many people out there who don't even think of themselves as being averse to facts, but the truth is, they are not getting it.
In an American context, let's say gay rights or marriage policy - that's a progressive thing. I understand that in an American context.
In my dreams of Heaven, I always see the great Masters gathered in a huge hall in which they all reside. Only Mozart has his own suite.
I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys.
When a guy writes a scene where a woman does a deviant sex act on camera, it's objectifying. But when a woman writes it, it's feminism.
I'm not saying 'I have cerebral palsy, pay attention to me.' We all have problems, and we have to figure out how to live our best life.