Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.
Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
New studies show that 100% of all smokers die.
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
The average permanent lasts about four months.
I was not put on this earth to listen to meat!
You got to be careful of the company you keep.
One, I never get sick of talking about myself.
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.
Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.
I am one of the funniest people on the planet.
My health, thank God, has kept my brain alive.
Las Vegas is the boiling pot of entertainment.
I'm organised in some ways, but not in others.
I've got soggy thighs. It must be dinner time.
When we run ahead of God, we run into trouble.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
I do something about the weather. I stay home.
I hope I will have achieved something lasting.
Golf's the only sport that comes with a slave.
What have future generations ever done for us?
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
I love comedy. God has given me this platform.
I recommend a little dose of cancer to anyone.
Anyone who has dead straight hair wants curls.
Marilyn Monroe was a fabulous dame - fabulous.
When I was young, I wasn't disciplined at all.
Going unnoticed has never been my strong suit.
A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.
I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
I don't want people to think I believe in God.
"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody
Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.
I unloaded trucks for a living and I hated it.
I am not the sharpest knife in the knife-thing
I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.
On 'The Soup,' we were never a political show.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Christ. Seven years of college down the drain.
People are friendlier in New York than London.
I don't do jokes. The characters are my jokes.
We don't have glamour models in Canada at all.