Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'.
Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
I don't try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface.
Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.
The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.
Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.
Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary lift.
Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.
No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who's on a never-ending quest for improvement.
I categorize nerds as creative-obsessive. A lot of nerds are creative people who obsess almost unnaturally over the minutiae of things.
You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
One minute you're up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley.
There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.
Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
I've found a formula for avoiding these exaggerated fears of age; you take care of every day - let the calendar take care of the years.
Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.
When I see the Ten Most Wanted Lists... I always have this thought: If we'd made them feel wanted earlier, they wouldn't be wanted now.
I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable.
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.
Dogs are not people. Be leery of any woman who refers to her dogs as her 'kids,' because you'll only end up paying for their schooling.
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'
I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.
I hate smoking sections. Unless we're talking about the movie 'The Mask' with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part.
My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner.
For some reason I get advertised when I travel as a political comedian, which I'm not. Sometimes I talk about it and sometimes I don't.
BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.
The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.
Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.