Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Hosting a show, even a talk show or a game show, there's so much business you have to conduct. There's so much guiding you have to do.
Cats aren't cooperative in the same way that other animals are. You can train a dog to act, but you can't train a cat in the same way.
You can't make the people do what you want them to do. You've got to get everybody to see what you seein' or you gonna be a damn fool.
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film.
Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye." Dan: Supposing you do still love them? Alice: You don't leave.
America does not like losers. Look how we treated those soldiers who came back from Vietnam. Because they lost. America likes winners.
I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me
Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
Having not had a chance to review the tape and obviously not been in the tunnel, I will take the Wenger amendment on this one for now.
Ultimately I want to be able to create whatever I want whenever I want. And if that doesn't work, I don't mind just doing weird plays.
I was given two weeks to walk again, so I hooked up with a trainer, and he... had me walking. I'll never forget that, it was grueling.
I get to do the most amazing things. We call it Host in Peril quite often, because people love to see me risk my life or be in danger.
Your God is the best God. In fact, he's the only God. All other Gods are ridiculous, made up rubbish. Not yours though. Yours is real.
Americans are brought up to believe they can grow up to be the president of the United States. Brits are told, It won't happen to you.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He’s irresistible to me. I mean seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.
I've been sort of coasting on 'Peep Show.' So now it's kind of, 'When I grow up, I'm going to have to be an actor if I'm not careful.'
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
What I'm hoping to do and what I think I will do is make an entertaining enjoyable show where the whole family can sit down and watch.
All penguins are the same below the surface, which I think is as perfect an analogy as we're likely to get for the futility of racism.
I think I've drawn from some of the most feminine women, like Jackie Kennedy. I am totally devastated that she's gone. She had it all.
When you're collaborating with somebody who's got a lot of stuff they haven't worked out yet, you're working out their vision as well.
Things are so scary and intimidating with AIDS and the right wing that people are looking for somebody to just give them safe harbors.
People can't help what topics cut them deep. It all depends on who's inferring - and what the contexts of their lives are at the time.
I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick. I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
If I could travel through time, I wouldn't go back and change anything in my life, because I'm delighted with the way it's turned out.
I always assumed that the reason I've never run a marathon is because I haven't bought a pair of shorts and arrived at the start line.
My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical.
When I was in college in Philly, there was a lot of post-punks... hardcore... like, rock. Sixties, retro, proto-Strokes kind of bands.
I had lunch with Andrew Lloyd Webber at the end of 2011 because my musical 'Matilda' is in one of the theatres that he owns in London.
Nobody will ever know I existed. Nothing to leave behind me. Nothing to pass on. Nobody to mourn me. That's the bitterest blow of all.
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
I'm like, If you do something dumb, I'll write about it. If you put something out there, to me it's like you're kind of asking for it.
I remember, when I was a kid, my summers were pretty much running around, riding your bike, and then complaining about you were bored.
I'm fighting the label of 'Black' actress simply because it's very limiting in people's eyes, especially people who are making movies.
When people talk about how in America, anybody can grow up to be President, I'm not sure George Bush is exactly what they had in mind.
I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
I've always wanted to play a detective. Always loved detective shows, right back to 'Columbo', 'The Rockford Files', 'Starsky & Hutch'.
I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore were friends and the last people I expected would predecease me. They were, in a sense, casualties of fame.
A father has to do everything in his power to keep a tight ship, even though he knows the crew would like to send him away in a dinghy.
Sleep is simply a chemical change in our brain and body (melatonin) - It?s not a place we go, it is a state of being that we fall into.
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.