Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
Ed Miliband's anti-immigration stance is odd: it's hard to vote for a man who doesn't have the confidence to defend his own existence.
Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
One time when I was visiting The Vatican I got the Pope really drunk, and then while he was sleeping I put his hand in the holy water.
Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
At a certain point, I had so much artwork that I decided to respect the art and present them in a nice way, not just on a dusty shelf.
I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to learn from.
Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.
U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?
While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator.
Researchers in England say tall men are more likely to have more children than short men. Here in America we call that the NBA theory.
The practice. Muscles do not interpret right or wrong just familiarity. Through repetition we begin to make what is unfamiliar our own
Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
My rule is if one person says it, a thousand people want to say it. That goes for compliments too. I try to balance it out in my head.
I try to minimize the noise, and I don't use Facebook except for my fan page, and I don't look at anything. It's getting a lot easier.
A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.
I was trained as an actress. But I wasn't a very convincing actress, so I started doing punk poetry and then fell into doing stand-up.
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'
I'm very aware that just driving blindly towards money won't get me anything. I drive blindly towards making the world a better place.
But if you think you aren't creative that's cool, too. I think being around people who aren't creative is kind of refreshing and nice.
I knew I was good at sports, and I knew I loved acting and performing, so I really dove into that, and school always became secondary.
I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.
There are things I wouldn't do when hosting, like get people up on stage or get the audience doing a sing-song or something like that.
My first recollection of performing was shortly after my parents split up, so the logical conclusion to draw is that that affected me.
I came to London with a girl. We lived together and split up very quickly. I was on my own in London so started going to comedy clubs.
With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
I love the people at my job. I love my boss. I love my camera men, I love my crew - because they all surrounded me with straight love.
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
You have to not worry or doubt or punish yourself. All the worry, doubt and punishment will not add one second to your life, you know?
There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.
Comics seemed to have a handle on things. They could sort of disarm and get control over reality. I found it very comforting to laugh.
Tattooing is my social life, too, so most of my time is taken up with that. People like Henry Lewis, Mike Davis at Everlasting Tattoo.