Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I bought my mum a car, and I bought my brother one of those hoverboards for Christmas, and I bought my family a holiday to Australia.
Stand-up and boxing are very similar. You're the only one out there, you're going into a fight, and you're going in with a game plan.
My mother says I was two and a half when I first mentioned I wanted to be an actor. My father said, 'The word is pronounced 'Doctor!'
I try not to be one particular type of comedian - I try to be foolish, and silly, and surreal, and quite angry and sarcastic and dry.
Claiming that someone's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet.
I don't think all of my ideas are good. It's almost easier when people are critical of you because it helps with the quality control.
I've got these two wonderful people who run my web site and put me on Facebook. They didn't even ask me. I'm very appreciative of it.
Doctors are not fortune tellers, and neither am I. Having lived with disability since birth does not afford me immunity from illness.
In many ways, I'm incredibly lucky to have been born with my impairment and that it's visible. It means my path has been predictable.
I suppose the thing that really interests me is what mankind did with the big, big, big discoveries that have created our modern age.
I think I'm most nervous about revealing how nervous I have always been. People think me calm, confident, poised. Inside I'm a jelly.
When I came into comedy in 2005, I didn't even know there was discrimination against musical comics in the alternative-comedy strain.
My incarceration was actually a positive thing from the beginning. I needed a gimmick to get my act going again, it gave me material.
When I first started doing comedy, there was no such thing as a room that had black people and white people in it. That didn't exist.
Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.
Someday social media might, hopefully in some small measure, wake up to the fact that other people's failures are not your successes.
What gets me is when celebrities aren't allowed to have an opinion on anything political. There's the whole 'Shut up and sing' thing.
Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.
Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.
If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
Dire Straits is a great band. Someone tells you they like ""Brothers in Arms"" and immediately you know they're a stupid annoying git.
Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.
I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.
It is more interesting to be compared to someone famous, because it lets you gauge what perceptions people have about your appearance.
Every meal is so important and colours the rest of your day - my whole day can go into a spin if I make the wrong choice at lunchtime!
If you become famous but haven't actually achieved anything, then your life has no real meaning - unless you're spectacularly shallow.
A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small.
I have to make small adjustments, but I can't change too much. If I'm worrying about that stuff too much then the show isn't as funny.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
I'm okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.
Anytime you're the creative force behind something and in front of the camera - we're not complaining, but it is an avalanche of work.
In high school, I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.
I always loved bands who would try to change their sound radically album to album, experiment in one album and revert back in another.
You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.
My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.
You know what, I stopped doing 'Mind of Mencia' because it got hard, and there was a lot of fighting, and it was just time to move on.
Given the opportunity, I might change a choice I made, but you can't regret making what you thought was the best decision at the time.
With stand-up, there's a little bit of an exaggerated reality because things have to be manipulated to create comedy, to create jokes.
I met Kim Kardashian in a nightclub once, and she was really nice. Kanye West was with her, but he didn't speak. He just looked at me.
It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.