Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I couldn't recommend more that people put themselves in a situation where they can see a lot of work that they admire, and for free.
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a 'sex comic,' so I might as well go full force on it.
Everyone goes "every comedian does Arnold Schwarzenegger". Yes, they do; but do they do Arnold Schwarzenegger in Brokeback Mountain?
Serious and intense people, they drain you. But someone who's an idiot, like myself, they're fun. You either hate me or you love me.
I knew I wanted a 'Girls'-type show about my life, but what's the big thing that happened to me? Oh, I got married when I was young.
When I was in junior high, I went to a really hippy dippy Quaker school where we called our teachers by their first names and stuff.
Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank? Never got a dinner!
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America — that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
Sanford and Son is more than just a name. It's a condition, a dynasty, an empire. This here is the finest pile of junk of the world.
Religions are the training wheels of self enlightenment. They can be helpful in the beginning but at some point they must be let go.
I wear the same pants, same shirt and same shoes every day. I learned it from the greats, like Einstein. It's a uniform essentially.
The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).
Other people get moody in their forties and fifties - men get the male menopause. I missed the whole thing. I was just really happy.
I get recognised a fair bit. It goes up when 'Peep Show' or the sketch show is on the telly or when we're doing loads of interviews.
I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I think Democracy is threatened in a way it hasn't been in two hundred years, and if America doesn't stand up, we're in big trouble.
The right to free speech is important but it isn't as important as 'we're all human beings together, let's find solutions together.'
I find it really weird, when I'm shopping in Tesco, the amount of times I have people like: 'What you doing in here? You're famous!'
I've always been opposed to groups. I can't believe the doctrine of group is going to work for every single person within the group.
I can't tell you 100 percent what makes a relationship work. But I can see something good coming and I can see something bad coming.
If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean.
It's undeniable that what we are taught as a culture to believe about disability is at odds with traditional notions of masculinity.
For me, in some ways, my whole life is a bit performative and always has been - because I'm stared at and looked at everywhere I go.
Too often, we fall into the trap of thinking 'equal' means 'the same' and that we achieve equality by treating everyone identically.
My secret is that I have never thought there is a secret to anything in life. Passion. Love. Drive. Work. Work. Work. Dull but true.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.
If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I've had a great life.
The funny thing is just the collision of genres, taking one medium and trying to ram it into another medium, whether it fits or not.
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
A stand-up comedian will never be the life of a party. Instead, he will be the guy who is standing at a corner and observing people.
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
We got to stop doing that, ladies. You know, men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.
I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.
If you read to me I could tell you everything that was read. They didn't know what it was. They knew I wasn't lazy, but what was it?
James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.
What I don't like about the way the media portrays religion is that they seem to weaponize it and use it as a tool to divide people.
I haven't found anything that I've wanted to say that I couldn't do through either the Internet or the reality shows that I've done.
If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
There are so many people who just want a flashy object in front of their eyes and don't want to think at all; I find that disturbing.
I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.
I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.