Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"
Am I a trance medium? No. Have I got a gift psychically? Absolutely not. But I believe in the survival of consciousness after death.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.
I think all those rules are boring. About what people can and can't wear. Surely everyone should be able to wear whatever they like?
No more watching that show Small England or whatever it's called where those two idiots dress up as 'laydees'. It's a bad influence.
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.
An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings.
To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can't stand up - You can tell a joke. You're a good storyteller and a good joke teller.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
When people show me clothing that seems very, very feminine, it's hard for me to embrace that, because it just doesn't feel like me.
The secret of my success with Geraldine is that she's not a putdown of women. She's smart, she's trustful, she's loyal, she's sassy.
Remember: Super Bowl is the biggest day of the year for pizza delivery - so no matter what happens in the game, Peyton Manning wins.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind.
My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.
When I was younger, I was insecure for about 10 years: I wore glasses, had a cow's lick, buck teeth and braces. I looked ridiculous.
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."
President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was bad.'
According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!
One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat.
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs.
I don't do jokes about elections so that's probably why it went okay for me, except for the crazy people that are hate-crime people.
The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
I'm happy to always be included in the list of women. I'd like to be in the sections about female leaders and male leaders. Why not?
I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.
People say that Americans trends are transient, but the one activity we never seem to tire of is being outraged. Boy, do we love it!
Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.
Everyone talks about the gags, but the most difficult thing is coming up with the stories. You have to learn to do that for sitcoms.
I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.