Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
I didn't take a job on Fox News because I'm interested in progress. I'm interested in shouting and pointing and simplifying things!
I do transcendental meditation, which is, I suppose, derived from Vedic or Ayurvedic principles, which is sort of Hindu principles.
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
We Americans only voted for George Bush to prove to the British that Americans understand irony. Unfortunately, it kinda backfired.
I remember when I got my first Adam Sandler CD and it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my entire life, and continues to be.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I always like to think that I'm accountable for everything I do, but I'll never understand how I did some of the things that I did.
When it started, 'Bake Off' wasn't a big hit. Respect to the people who said, 'We'll keep commissioning this and give it a chance.'
Comedians can articulate some important and profound ideas that address a lot of the hypocrisy we're inundated with (in the media).
Don Knotts was a really big influence, especially on the Steve Allen show. I mean, look at the guy, his entire life is in his face.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
You know, be an actor because you love to act. Don't be an actor because you think you're going to get famous, because that's luck.
The reason the Democrats are so intent on passing a stem-cell bill is they're depending on the research to grow themselves a spine.
I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.
When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.
You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
Some people are writers and don't ever want to be on camera, some people act and not write - I like writing words for myself to say.
Dire Straits is a great band. Someone tells you they like 'Brothers in Arms' and immediately you know they're a stupid annoying git.
Politicians are like God. No one believes in them, they haven't done anything for ages, and they give jobs to their immediate family
I spent five years in Dublin as a stand-up, living on pea sandwiches. But at times I quite enjoyed the bohemian penniless existence.
Don Quixote's 'Delusions' is an excellent read - far better than my own forthcoming travel book, 'Walking Backwards Across Tuscany.'
I really feel sorry for kids who aren't interested in history - recent history, either, because it is this that made us what we are.
I have never been able to discover anything disgraceful in being a colored man. But I have often found it inconvenient - in America.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli.
You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.
Never define people or situations in terms of their effect on you, unless you want to give them the power to make you feel that way.
Autonomy, Purpose, & Mastery: If you are having difficulty creating the life you want, chances are one or more of these are missing.
People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.
I'd love to do something that doesn't have my stupid face in front of it. I feel like I've exhausted what I can do with my own face.
I'd much rather wait till my material is up to par, in my opinion, than rush it just so I can stay in the limelight a little longer.
We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.
Cocaine is yucky. I did it once: I was at a party; I was bored. I was like, 'Alright, I'll do a line.' Then I was just bored longer.
Comedy, if it's done well, can reflect the mood of a nation. It can be a mirror to who we are, what we believe in, what we are like.
Women feel safe with me as well they should, because not only am I morally objected at going too far, but physically I cannot do it.
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.
There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.
There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison, and other people just hate him regular.
'The Dick Van Dyke Show' was my labor of love. When asked the best thing I ever did - that was it. I wrote it originally for myself.
If I talk about something I either talk about it or I DO it... the minute I talk about it it's lost all it's drive and all it's fun.
My daughter is exceptionally chatty. I'm not a braggy mother but she is gifted - with the personality of a Russian gymnastics coach.
One of the great things about a celebrity pro-am is that you get to play along with the very best professional golfers in the world.