Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.
All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.
When you travel, people might not have the same ideas about what is interesting. I'm not really good at compromising when I travel.
What's happened at 85 is I've lost my appetite. I used to be a little hog when I was young. But now I really don't seem to need it.
On quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walk out of the church a free man.
My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.
Comedians want honest discussion because it affects us. We make our living talking, so anything around language affects us greatly.
My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame.
When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.
When I was a kid I didn't watch TV that was targeted specifically at me. I watched 'The Day Today,' 'Shooting Stars,' 'Father Ted.'
I didn't really realise that I was going to have more obstacles because I was a woman. It was never something that I thought about.
I'm not opposed to the consumption of alcohol. I'm opposed to my kids watching TV at seven o'clock and being told to bet and drink.
The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.
If I lose today, I can look forward to winning tomorrow, and if I win today, I can expect to lose tomorrow. A sure thing is no fun.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.
I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.
The truth is, I can’t read anything with any distance. Every book is a self-help book to me. Just having them makes me feel better.
I think that standup has always been an acquired taste and there was always only a handful of performers that were really inspired.
Because we're comics and we pass each other on campus, we know of each other, and a lot of the time there's a mutual respect there.
The best tattooists are in San Francisco, and they're kind of like my family now. I'm always excited to come back to San Francisco.
The stuff I do and say onstage I can do easily. As a performer, that comes easily. But being social offstage, it's not easy for me.
With stand-up, you can be as freeform as you want to be. You can say what you want, how you want, at any moment without constraint.
People recognize me, but they don't know where from. Today I was in the elevator and somebody asked me if I worked for his company.
Singing is something you can do for a lifetime, and studies prove it is good for mental, physical, social and psychological health.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
Truck drivers stop me and say, 'What is the poem for the day?' or 'Give me a poem for my girl.' I have one on almost every subject.
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.
Gay people are all like Superman. You have to be quite strong to be gay - or to be different in any way. You build special muscles.
I hated school, so when I got to this place with other people who could draw and were interested in wearing makeup, it was amazing.
Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.
Even if it's other people, like on MySpace pages, we're just as collective of enthusiasts now. That seems to be the world we're in.
Channel 4 are a great bunch of people to work with and the crew are lovely. Working at ITV was like being in the court of Caligula.
I still consider myself working class. I know my circumstances have changed dramatically since I was growing up back in Birkenhead.
My mom and dad are both in stand-up comedy, so that's where I started, that's where I got everything. My roots are holding the mic.
I never thought I'd write one book, let alone three. I'm absolutely delighted and every night, thank the good lord for spell check.
A lot of series tend to go on for one series too many, especially with comedies, and I think people say 'ooh, it's gone off, that.'
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.
You now have the least amount of time you've ever had, to do everything you've ever wanted to do. Enjoy your life. You only get one
Everyday life is interesting enough, whether it be in an office or being ignored on the set of something supposedly more glamorous.
Life is so interesting... just every day life. I remember someone once saying: "Drama is real life with the boring bits taken out."
I've avoided doing a network comedy, because I wouldn't get my own way. Even though it would get more viewers, it wouldn't be mine.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.