Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Salad cream is horrible, like albino ketchup.
Good comedy doesn't have to be a comedy idea.
I will always love to perform standup comedy.
Though it sold very well, I hated "The Edge."
Though it sold very well, I hated 'The Edge.'
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I don't really worry about a crowd liking me.
Everything that happens to me is very cosmic.
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
I had breast cancer. Yeah, I know it's scary.
I don't really view communism as a bad thing.
Her least favorite thing: VOLUNTARY IGNORANCE
If love is the treasure, laughter is the key.
Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.
I'm one of those people that read a newspaper.
I have sold stuff door-to-door, but not doors.
I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
If you have no faith, you've lost your battle.
Telemarketers tell me I sound like Bill Cosby.
Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman.
Please don't stick with me if I start sucking.
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.
Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.
At the end of the day it's the end of the day.
If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.
I don't do anything out of negativity anymore.
No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap.
I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved.
Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
I want to start saying bad words all the time!
I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.
People push my buttons, so I'm going to react.
I've always loved the 'Weekend Update' people.
I find actors a little bit too self-conscious.
I'm pretty lucky. I don't get too many haters.
Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.
I mean no disrespect to anything I did before.