Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.
There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote.
People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.
I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh.
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.
All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if Politically Incorrect has to go down for it, so be it!
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
The unlimited amount of information that I have access to has also given me an unlimited threshold for how I need to be stimulated.
I love Tim Minchin, Bill Bailey, and Hans Teeuwen, and I'm trying to synthesise elements of theatre into my show a little bit more.
The quality of the work when I was 16... I've had my issues with it, but I've learned to forgive myself because I was 16 years old.
In his prime, the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it, and by the time he walked off, he did.
It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.
The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.
My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?
I had enough therapy to know when I broke it down, it became clearer to me: Yes, comedy was kind of a cleansing thing for me to do.
I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.
What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.
We did six records, then six movies. Now we need to do six of something else, so we get 666 - and then our master Satan can return!
I barely watch TV. Somehow, I make it work with just the Internet. On TV, there's always so much crap, and you have to flip around.
The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don't take themselves seriously.
I don't know if the podcast as a medium will ever have the cultural impact that TV and movies do. It may never be super-mainstream.
You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.
Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'
Girls were scared of me because I can be loud. Barbara, my wife of 51 years, is very low-key. She was my picture agent's secretary.
Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.
Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.
The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided.
In a lot of farther-flung places in Scotland people are guarded at first, but as soon as they get to know you they really hate you.
My girlfriend said: 'If you loved me you wouldn't drink so much', I said: 'If I didn't drink so much I probably wouldn't love you'.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.
I went to University of Illinois. Big school. 35,000 students. 800 black... I was the only black in every class. Hard to be absent.
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
I need to have something else going on. I'm able to write a lot if I have an episode of 'Friday Night Lights' going on my computer.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"
I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
A new study says that over half of all Californians are obese. In fact, half of Californians are really two-thirds of Californians.
The big rumor going around is, we may begin bombing Iraq. Or, as the White House calls it, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.
Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.