Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I just realized I have probably spent more time in a strip club than Rihanna has, and that is saying a lot because she goes a lot!
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
How to make money from Facebook and Twitter: (1) Go to 'Account Settings' (2) Click 'Deactivate your account' (3) Go back to work!
They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!
When I'm on a train and see an empty pitch, it gives me a certain pleasure that I can't quite describe. It's to do with potential.
90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.
It's important for us all to elect people not just on blind party loyalty. We've got to really examine what candidates say and do.
When I said I didn't have a cent, I didn't. I used to get annoyed with people who said they were broke when they had five dollars.
'Entourage' is a staple L.A.-based show, and people say it's pretty real, and I thought it was. It's an exaggeration of the truth.
Comedians really are like a species. That's not to be exclusive. Anyone can kind of become one. You have to pay your dues, though.
Health food shops can make people feel very important; it's like a brand new religion with people trying to convert you to quinoa.
Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille. Never got a dinner!
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
Suggesting I hate people with religion because I hate religion is like suggesting I hate people with cancer because I hate cancer.
I haven't had my teeth fixed, I haven't had a hair transplant. I haven't had a skin peel, tummy tuck. I've done literally nothing.
The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
There are so few women in general who aren't completely threatened and confused by other women's success. It's very disappointing.
I am officially a doctor, and believe it or not, I can save lives and tune certain instruments and can beat peasants with a stick.
In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.
I was homeless for a little bit. I was on people's couches, but it was an amazing journey. I got to make people laugh all the way.
Money no longer has any meaning. Civilization is coming to an end. If not the destruction of the world, it's an endless stalemate.
I suppose that there is no point wasting time being lazy, though of course indolence in a divine way, actually has its advantages.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
Allyson Smith reminds me of a younger, prettier, funnier me. Now if you'll excuse me, the ladies from my bridge club have arrived.
The me you see on stage is largely a construct, based on me at my worst, my most annoying, my most petty, and my most patronizing.
With a project like 'Teachers Lounge,' you're wearing a lot of hats, so it demands hard work and focus if you want to do it right.
Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
These days, I'm a hypocritical, philosophical vegetarian. Vegetarianism would be the right choice, but I really, really love meat.
I come from a family of lawyers. I was expected to be a professional of some sort, not an artist. I was never uplifted for my art.
A lot of panel programmes rely on men topping each other, or sparring with each other, which is not generally a very female thing.
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.
I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.
Anyone can memorize facts and figures. The real way to learn anything is to go out and experience it. Let your curiosity lead you.
Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one hand it's very flattering, it is just so surreal.
I always just loved women, but more important than loving women, more important than sexual stuff, is I always believed in romance.
If Lady Gaga didn't put on all those outfits, she probably wouldn't have made it in show business. She put a show behind her voice.
The whole world has changed, so you just stay current with the world. There's nothing different in my language of how I say things.
Straight people say, 'You know you're just gay,' and gay people say, 'You know you're just gay.' There is such a thing as bisexual!
I definitely know that I play the part, however big or small, in the deaths of at least two people, Chris Farley and Phil Hartmann.
When I have these negative thoughts and feelings, I like to dig into them because I like to get under them and see what's in there.
Things like 'The Office,' and arguably shows like 'The Only Way Is Essex,' are comedies, just using real people in real situations.
If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
I've started doing Bikram yoga. You're in a boiling hot room, bending over pretending to be a locust, you can't do that at the gym.
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right
Parents are people who yell and they yell and they yell and they yell. And you already have the point... and they're still yelling.
Well, I really don't know what the secret of success is but I can tell you that the secret of failure is to try to please everyone.
There are times my stories become - what I feel - not only accessible to hearing me on television, but they make wonderful reading.