Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
I absolutely loathe adverts. I won't go into the cinema until 20 minutes after the film is due to start because there are so many.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.
For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
World War II... did not happen to everyone, but it happened to most. There were people from Germany who were throwing bombs at us.
I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.
In particular, I found praying very disturbing, like swimming with bricks tied to your feet. And yet I was drawn to it constantly.
Maybe I fear things going wrong so much that I pre-empt them by not getting excited about them when they appear to be. going well.
I'd like to scale back the television. I'm constantly told that I'm over-exposed, and I don't want to end up like Carol Vorderman.
Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.
Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.
The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.
The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.
Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.
I put my filter on, though, and I only see things people I follow [on Twitter] write now. So, I don't even know anymore [ trolls].
We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
It can make you sad to look at pictures from your youth. So there's a trick to it. The trick is not to look at the later pictures.
In my own work I am invested in art as a way to break through impasses, whether those impasses are personal, social, or political.
If you're female, and you want to express your femininity, you're actually demonized in the 'Free To Be... You And Me' generation.
It's a struggle every day to get people to invest financially in portrayals of women that aren't satisfying to straight white men.
I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.
I am that 'everyman' in that I have made every mistake you can make in your career and in your personal life. But I am a survivor.
You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.
You, the actor, must be aware of when you're being funny, but the character you're playing should always be oblivious to the fact.
Sure, sometimes I get teased for being the guy who likes everything, but I don't think of myself as someone apart from this world.
My parents got divorced when I was 2, so I have this weird thing where I have 8 brothers and sisters, but I am also an only child.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
...Then I got divorced and everything changed, and I became a father in a whole new way and found a whole new set of difficulties.
I am into belly dancing. I used to only hang with comics. Now I have friends who are dancers, and my whole house has a harem feel.
Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.
Fundamentalists of different religions have more in common with each other than they do with the moderates of their own religions.
This is a pretty shitty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking.
The Atkins' diet is where you eat bacon for six or seven months...and the end result is that you lose weight. Because you're dead.
I'd got over playing a character. People accepted who I was, and if I was incompetent and useless, they felt quite endeared to me.
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
The teenagers aren't all bad. I love 'em if nobody else does. There ain't nothing wrong with young people. Jus' quit lyin' to 'em.
I have an extra set of eyelashes because you never know. I could cry or laugh, or it could be windy, and I'll need a standby pair.
I joined church by myself in a borrowed suit at 13. I had my neighbor's bible. So my walk and my faith have always been very real.
The best stuff - the most interesting stuff - usually happens when I allow myself to be in the moment and working from that space.