Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
I'm very lucky to be a comedian, and I feel privileged that people come to see me in the expectation that I will make them laugh.
Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
I love paying people to touch me. Nail techs, hair stylists, dermatologists, make-up artists, osteopaths: you name it, I love it.
I have thick skin. I'm not a baby. Nothing really offends me. If there's something I think might offend me, I don't listen to it.
I'm on my own when I say this, but I'm one of the few people that think that 'Everybody Loves Raymond' is better than 'Seinfeld.'
The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
One of the first things Catholic school taught me is that babies were born sinners. You sucked before you took your first breath.
The Internet has usurped the collective unconscious and access to cosmic consciousness has become difficult and almost primitive.
Thankfully, beauty is easier to remove than apply, and a swipe of demaquillage in the right direction and you are you once again.
Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic, but don't give it more attention than it deserves.
I don't really read children's books or deal with children's books, so I don't have any relationship with them other than my own.
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'
Just the fact that I'm in the game is great. I'm just blessed to be working. I got a plan, but I'm humble and I try to be humble.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life.
We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.
On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.
Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar.
The thing I have to keep in mind and I try to keep in mind about myself, about anyone, is you do the best you can do at the time.
I loved Garry Marshall. The television shows he created in the '80s were the most deeply important entertainment of my childhood.
I was flavour of the year for a couple of years, and then, like everyone else, I faded into obscurity. I didn't car;, I loved it.
I like when people are trapped in the joke, when there's no escape. I like to lead people down the wrong path and then trap them.
When I'm at the piano, and I'm improvising some song about something, it usually oscillates between factual, absurd, and sincere.
Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.
Feminism is an attack on social practices and habits of thought that keep women and men boxed into gender roles that are harmful.
I get recognised a fair bit. It goes up when Peep Show or the sketch show is on the telly or when were doing loads of interviews.
I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
I'm a geek of all general types. I like a little bit of everything, I love comic books, I love pro-wrestling, I love video games.
No one shuts their laptop after looking at pornography and says, 'What a productive time I just spent connecting with the world!'
I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.
Earlier in my career, I was really tight, really together, and knew who I was and I was confident. I kind of feel in between now.
It was really fun [on set of the Pineapple Express]. I mean, how could I not have fun? It was exactly what you think it would be.
For a Jewish mother, having a country wage war on your son is the worst. If Kim Jong-un only knew what he was doing to my mother!
When I get depressed, I try to get something for the terrible sadness that comes over me and create something in terms of poetry.
Knowing what I now know I would never have done anything so fatuous; but then I never would have known what I know now had I not.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Because I'm busy, I don't sit down to a lot of big formal meals - unless I've got mates round, in which case I'll cook something.
A lot of people who didn't understand the need for civilians to bear arms on Sept. 10 were pretty clear on the issue by Sept. 12.
Because the pot takes the edge off the adrenaline, and it also clears your mind of it, and then you can see things a lot clearer.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?