Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Like with any good art form, if you can entertain people and make them think, it's an honor. It's just an honor to be a comedian.
There are plenty of wonderful, good fat people in the USA that have no problems being fat, who I have no problems with being fat.
When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.
Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, Can you please screw this up really bad?
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
I'm just gonna do a podcast because it's mine, I can control it, I have complete responsibility over it, and no one can touch it.
I met Kim Kardashian in a nightclub once, and she was really nice. Kanye was with her, but he didn't speak. He just looked at me.
Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.
I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
You've got to say 'yes' to your destiny. Life's happening right now, look around you. There goes some life. Come on, Mamma, live!
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.
I was with George Washington at Valley Forge, sitting around before an attack... gimme a break. That's over 70 years ago already.
Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.
Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it.
There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
I have a great career, and I have wonderful fans who really are supportive and loyal - because I'm not hiding anything from them.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
I have no real enemies in comedy, but there are a couple of people who I'd laugh about if I heard that their legs had fallen off.
I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
Freddie Prinze was my idol, and he died, and there is not much of his stuff to look at. But now, your comedy can live on forever.
When the journalists asked Gene, 'Why didn't you marry the beautiful girl in 'The Woman in Red'?' he would always reply, 'I did!'
When I'm doing shows I don't need much from a city. All I'm looking for is a good meal and a decent spot to have a couple drinks.
"I'm a victim of sexual discrimination." "No, you're the victim of a cruel sexual experiment performed by your mother and father.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
When President Chirac gave [President] Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower... Bush said 'This is great! A little oil rig!'
Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.
When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States.
Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you’re Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good.
In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.
I don't even think people really understand how you can get pregnant or when you get pregnant. I still have questions about that.
There's something grand and revolutionary still about [women] traveling alone. There are some parts of the world where you can't.
I have nothing against women. As a matter of fact there's something about them that I love, but I just can't put my finger on it.