Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
When I was a really young child, I felt like I could see fairies. I was convinced there were fairies in my grandmother's garden.
I'm involved with this exhibition, which is a collection of Nobby Clarke's photos of the opening night of my own art exhibition.
In the nineties, it was all women being blonde and from Sweden. But now it's changed: it's all men looking like Ellen DeGeneres.
Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.
There are still plenty of movie people peddling black stereotypes. I guess Tyler Perry's probably the most massively successful.
Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
America's Most Wanted? I love it when there's a guy in the back seat pounding his head on the plexiglas. That to me is the best.
George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!
Some [people] are really smart. You know who you are. Some [people] are really thick. Unfortunately, you don't know who you are.
Got a proper job at 28. Gave it up to try comedy at 38. Decided to get fit and healthy at 48. It's never too late. But do it now
To complain about critics in a business is like a sailor complaining about the waves. Go back to the beach if you don't like it.
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.
I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?
The greatest poverty one can have is to be poor in one's heart and for falling in love, he is truly happy. He discovers purpose.
I love National Geographic. Just when you think you've seen the last lost native tribe, National Geographic will find a new one.
'The Kumars'... played on five continents, and even when I came up with the idea, I was slightly surprised that no one else had.
Once I accepted Christ I immediately had peace. I still didn't have a place to live, I still didn't have a car, but I had peace.
You can never hope to recapture the first fine careless rapture as the poet put it, but it stays with you like a good acid trip.
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was in college in Philly, there was a lot of post-punks hardcore like, rock. Sixties, retro, proto-Strokes kind of bands.
We have receptors in our brain as you well know and when you ingest marijuana, I believe that it essentially gives you a reboot.
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.
[On writing to Alice Walker, author of The Color Purple:] I told her I would play a Venetian blind, dirt on the floor, anything.
Did you know that we are the only people in the United States who have to have their voting rights okayed every couple of years?
I talk about Breaking Bad being the most brilliant show ever, and even minor characters have subtle nuances and are fully drawn.
Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.
I never became a recluse where I got away from people and who they are and how they think. I'm very much in touch with the world.
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.
I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in.
You need to take a little break sometimes. Then, hopefully, you get some more lead in your pencil, and you're raring to go again!
Everyone was doing alternative comedy. I thought I'd distinguish myself by just telling jokes, with differing degrees of success.
I grew up in a little town between Bath and Bristol with my parents and grandparents in the same house. It was rural and idyllic.
Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.
The most powerful times in our lives can be the time between times, or life's transitions that give us the opportunity to choose.
The difference between self-confidence and conceit is as simple as love and fear. Jesus was self-confident ... Hitler was afraid.
I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?