Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.
You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.
It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
In my personal life, my family makes me laugh more than anybody; I think that is the same for everybody. I certainly hope it is.
Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.
Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor.
I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.
Bobby's World touched a lot of people. That's why the family's last name is Generic. Uncle Ted is based on uncles we've all had.
Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.
You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.
As women, and as people, we're often forced to choose between pop culture and tearing down celebrities or a show about politics.
Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.
How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American?
Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
Women are more verbal than men. That's why when you see an elderly couple together, it's always the man who has the hearing aid.
I am not sure gender ever won't be an issue in comedy, because I think that women do have different priorities in some respects.
When you are debilitated, and you're very depressed, and you believe there's no hope, you cannot get a better potpourri of down.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
The only way things will change will be when we're all wilder, louder, riskier, sillier, unexpectedly overflowing with surprise.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.
I find when most people are offended, it's phony. It's an attention-seeking device. So I love to call them out on it from stage.
There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.
Whenever a woman describes herself as a 'post-feminist' I picture women lashed to posts. Joan of Arc was an early post-feminist.
I was a product of the society that said women are for decoration, and I do think girls should be able to do whatever they want.
It is an intern's job to go for coffee for anyone who asks, preferably delivering it scalding hot and cupped in your bare hands!
I was obsessed with livestock barns, cattle and hogs. I still love that, and I still do that as a hobby.So I'm a strange person.
I would say about 90 per cent of drunken idiots in comedy clubs wear ties, particularly in London where I work most of the time.
When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'
I know I'm fly - don't get me wrong. But I don't look, like, standard Hollywood. As a comedian, it's something you learn to use.
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.
Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.
I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.
I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.
Why can't all different types of women be considered beautiful? Why can't we can't we all be considered possible love interests?
My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English.
I'm a huge fan of the people and things that are considered the epitomes of tastelessness - things like drag and raunchy comedy.
Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic but don't give it more attention than it deserves.
I think gay people deserve all the same rights as everybody else, it's just that marriage is specifically for a man and a woman.
I struggled with that notion early in my career. 'I know this is funny but nobody is laughing.' This thought occurred for years.