Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I look on everything with a very optimistic eye. Because I'm a body builder by trade, you know, that was my intent all my life.
When they put me in jail, that's when they turned me into an activist. Up until the time I went to jail, I was just a comedian.
Cheech [Marine] on the other hand, met [Barack] Obama and he knew right away who Cheech was. So that should tell you something.
In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.
I feel like I share a great relationship with my audience where they trust my judgment and choice of films and sense of comedy.
All of the films I'm doing are young, urban, high-concept, funny films. That's the zone where I'd like to play and have fun in.
No matter what you say to yourself, you do want to win. You try to look casual, like you're not thinking, 'oh, please pick me.'
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.
I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
Whether you're gay, straight, you can't tell anybody who to love and who to marry. It's unconstitutional and it's morally wrong.
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
First of all I love Empire Records and That Thing You Do and all the movies he did from that era. He hates when I bring that up.
Everyone had a Japanese maple, although after Pearl Harbor most of these were patriotically poisoned, ringbarked and extirpated.
I got my first Mac in 1984. I've got an Airbook, iPad, iPhone, the lot. I love that blend of technology, creativity, and design.
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these knuckleheads walking round.
There's a gap between people knowing what I do and really believing that I still do that - and wondering what it is I really do.
Selfish is caring for ourselves at others' expense ... Self-care is taking care of ourselves so that we can be there for others.
To understand ourself, we must understand our "selves," or the parts of us that motivate our thoughts, decisions, and behaviors.
You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.
I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.
There's only one rule in stand-up, which is that you have to be funny. Yet 99 per cent of comics look and talk exactly the same.
My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?
Now it looks like I'll be known as the musical comedy guy. Which is good news for me. Or I'll be known as the New Zealand idiot.
Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. ~Swedish Proverb Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important.
Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.
I guess one of the ways that karma works is that it finds out what you are most afraid of and then makes that happen eventually.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.
I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.
Ideally, I'd like to go right back to getting $7 million a picture and being the headliner. That's probably not going to happen.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?
The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.
When I'm not acting, I'm writing, building an inventory of scripts. Even if they sit on the shelf, I just keep stacking them up.
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.
It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.
I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
There's something about being a comedian that means you have to not be scared of failing because failing is part of the process.