Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy
Only if the computers really love each other.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Old teachers never die, they just grade away.
I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.
If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.
Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
Don Lemon is one of my favorites. I love him.
I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.
It really helps a comedian to be an outsider.
I know you can be funny without being filthy.
Discipline is tough for a guy who is a rebel.
If you can't trust people, who can you trust?
I enjoy laughing at other people being funny.
I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.
Perception is created and twisted so quickly.
All I ask of food is that it doesn't harm me.
In the absence of fear there is little faith.
I'm telling a Richard Pryor story through me.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.
I think I've seen every 'Bill Maher' episode.
I talk about things that are front page news.
I don't ever remember overcoming adversities.
It is better to be idle than employed in ill.
Happiness is the quiet lull between problems.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
I'd like to be a U.S. senator from Tennessee.
We're all just memories of our future selves.
You know what the average person is? Average.
During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
For 45 years I've worked without an audience.
I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.
I think everyone has the ability to be loved.
Men in high levels of government seldom surf.
Basically I try not to knock other comedians.
When I was little, there were three channels.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
You shouldn't eat animals, it's mean to them.
I'd rather entertain people than offend them.
I'm sure that Jesus was an incredible person.
I just think of myself as a comedian, really.