Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.
I really love standup because it's something that I've been literally doing for 40 years, which means I'm a thousand years old.
My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.
It's funny: when I first started getting vocal about how much I liked 'Doctor Who,' I didn't realize how deep the fan base was.
I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Heaven to me is percussion and bass, a screaming guitar and a burbling Hammond B-3 organ. It's a soup I love being immersed in.
I've always felt like if I was going to be born any other time that it would be during the '60s or definitely during Woodstock.
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
I support anyone's right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?
My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know.
I don't go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they should be doing - what do I know?
Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish.
Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke.
If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.
According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
Isis want to destroy the knowledge that Islam is a beautiful, scientific and intelligent culture, and we are way ahead of them.
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.
You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
Surround yourself with people that you know will take care of you. It's not so much a mistake advice - it's just advice advice.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.
When I started my career, I started with black comics: Bruce Bruce, Mark Curry, Bill Bellamy. It takes all kinds of influences.
Try telling people in the Seventies that butter was healthier for you than margarine, and they would force feed you with Stork.
Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he's not doing good in Afghanistan either.
President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.