Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
"Entourage" is a staple LA-based show and people say it's pretty real and I thought it was. It's an exaggeration of the truth.
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer! Never got a dinner!
That's why you hear about people coming up with inventions almost at the same time, because someone else is thinking about it.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.
I've always been a strong believer that you were born with the hair you've got, but have the ability to get the hair you want.
I love working. If somebody took away my jobs, I don't know what I would do. I'm just the kind of person who has to stay busy.
Like many supermodels, I won't get out of bed for less than £3000. Unlike many supermodels, I don't get out of bed very often.
I once choked on a chip at a friend's birthday when I was seven and had to be sent home, as I'd broken my collarbone coughing.
Just as it is the love of money that is the root of all evil, it is the belief in shamefulness that is the root of all misery.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
The job is not to succeed but fail more interesting than the last time—- in a more subtle fashion or in a more intriguing way.
When you travel, specifically for our show, you get inspired by rest stops, Cracker Barrel. Middle-America people are perfect.
It's about the audience - if they laugh and clap, you feed off that, and if they don't, you doubt everything you've ever done.
You can say the dirty words now, but there is no content - political satire is limited to small podiums and little soap boxes.
I was working at the NSA. I don't know, I was just bored. I just knew that's not what I was supposed to be doing with my life.
I don't believe that there is any good career move or bad career move. I believe there are only the things that make me happy.
If you set up an environment where failing is encouraged then you want to try everything. It's obviously the best way to work.
There's no denying it: I was a crappy baby who failed his way into this world, and I've been making the best of it ever since.
People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'
There is nothing better than getting to just dig in and seriously play a video game for a six-hour flight from New York to L.A.
Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.
People see me on the 'Daily Show' or 'About a Boy'. But the reality is that I only got into this business to do standup comedy.
People have always been animals when it comes to sex. But since the Internet, it's become really out of control, in my opinion.
I've always been with God, even in my darkest hour. That is why I say I am alive. I mean, I should have died a number of times.
BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
We thought 'Father Ted' was destined to be obscure late-night Channel 4 fodder and then it works and you don't really know why.
I denied this for many, many years and years... but you cannot help but not see a little of my mother in the character of Edna.
In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!
Too many people are waiting for Jesus to come along and cut your grass. And Jesus isn't going to come along and cut your grass.
There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue - those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS - but they remain strangely silent.
The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.
Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.
Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!
In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night
President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy.
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that's what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.
I'd just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted - and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape?
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.
I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.
I like the idea of conceiving a show and putting on a show, and especially when I got to the place where I could play theaters.
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.