Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
If you just want to make stuff and put it out there so people can see that, great. Do that. Nothing is ever going to stop you.
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
Part of my humor is the fact that I love coming out of left field. I don't want people to expect what is going to happen next.
Getting to prove yourself in a room that's not your typical demo is an experience every comic should try. It makes you better.
The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
Tina Fey is part of a generation of women who have changed the face of comedy at 'Second City,' 'SNL,' in sitcoms and in film.
As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
I feel like the American people are being lied to and manipulated. President Bush is trying to force 9/11 and Saddam together.
We should make politicians dress like race car drivers -- when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, 'Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'
Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.
I'm very bad at having heroes. I don't rate anyone particularly highly because I'm so snide and competitive and not very nice.
When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
My interest in community is what fuels my work as a writer, more than just wanting to write or just wanting to have a TV show.
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
My mother had a radio show - a Barbara Walters type of gal and was very successful for about 20-some years on a radio station.
I don't have a computer. I'm going to wait until that whole fad is over. I was suckered in on the Pet Rock. Not twice, people.
If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.
If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute - I've got to have them.
I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.
You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.
Usually, if you smile at them and show some interest in the toy, they will give it to you. That's a straight up Democrat move!
When I'm up on stage and do a joke, half the people interpret it one way and half of them interpret it the way I want them to.
I think you can lose yourself in any creative activity - if you enjoy your job or enjoy a task, you can lose yourself in that.
I have to say that deporting people and calling them 'bad hombres,' then kicking families out with visa violations, upsets me.
I'm not sure why I like cats so much. I mean, they're really cute obviously. They are both wild and domestic at the same time.
I tend to a lot of improvisational ranting, and that's fun. For me, stand-up has been, performance-wise, a really good outlet.
I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about you.
When I met my wife, I was a working comic, so the first week we went out, she saw me perform, and it was very clear what I do.
I'm very bad at ending sentences. A lot times I just want to say, 'That's the end of my sentence. I have nothing more to say.'
I just think [Gangster Party Line] is funny and stupid and all the dudes in it are real dudes. It's just a funny construction.
No one's playing records anymore, so find your favorite and frame it, then get rid of the rest - try selling or donating them.
People are just so insensitive because they're ignorant; they don't understand, so they're scared of what they're ignorant of.
There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.
I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'
Someone thought that I dropped out of Harvard. I am a college dropout, but I dropped out of Temple University in Philadelphia.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.