Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.
What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.
I used to stay at the Trump [hotels] and I just wouldn't now. The people were great, but I wouldn't stay at a 'birther' hotel.
You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts.
I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
I was like a fat, sweaty kid growing up in Queens who just was plopped down in front of 'Entertainment Tonight' by my parents.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.
Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America.
Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.
Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.
What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.
My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.
Everyone just wants to hear the exact jokes that apply to them and want to - everyone wants a perfectly crafted joke for them.
I wasn't expecting to really draw in respected comedians but it's going to happen along the way and I'm truly honored by that.
Some people want to live in a world much prettier than the one I depict. But it exists, and I talk about it because it exists.
I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.
My marriage was breaking up, and my marriage with Chong was breaking up. I had to come back and kind of start on my own again.
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
My message is strong and my belief is strong, in the fact that we can still be provocative and have fun and just get informed.
It's incredible. Twenty-three minutes on the air, and I've got to shoot for twelve, fifteen hours a day. What the hell's that?
If you can build your career around your passions, then you're winning in life; that's one of the best things you can ask for.
People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.
I never had the confidence to say I was going to be in front of the camera as a comedian until I saw Eddie Murphy years later.
If you told me two years I would miss the greatest basketball game ever to hang out with Nathan Lane, I'd say, 'You're crazy!'
If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
I am a Spiritualist, a proud wearer of the Spiritualist badge. Mediums and psychic research have gone on for many, many years.
When I was sixteen I was pretending to be Charlie Musselwhite. I had a long raincoat on, my hair slicked back, and the shades.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically.
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.
Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.
It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.
I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?
I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.