Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I went to seven colleges. I was a professional transfer student. I had to drop out 'cause I couldn't see out the back window.
When you fall in love you recognise you're not the most important person in the world, and your focus becomes another person.
Real life is hard. I'm sorry, but shopping at Tesco is not as much fun as writing jokes for TV shows, and I struggle with it.
The Kumars... played on five continents, and even when I came up with the idea I was slightly surprised that no one else had.
The biggest strength is being able to have perspective. Get the distance, and it enables you to be able to laugh at yourself.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
The audience works as such a mob. They either all laugh or all don't laugh, and, you know, changes from audience to audience.
I don't get this shitty attitude that only gays should care about gay issues and only women should care about women's issues.
It's hard to be a friend to someone who's depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.
My first words, as I was being born [...] I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
Experience what’s happening now, and make your surroundings real. You don’t have to invent an environment: it already exists.
I also do a certain amount of talking through material on stage, to see what happens and allow interesting ideas to manifest.
I was incredibly jealous of friends who had bit parts in 'Home and Away.' I just hoped I'd somehow be allowed into this game.
My daughter was two weeks old when I wrote 'White Wine in the Sun.' I can remember just sobbing and having to leave the room.
I don't have any interest in changing a system, because the system will simply get bucked back by people who haven't changed.
I'm not an abrasive person. I do speak my mind, but my goal is never to offend. I don't intentionally want to strike a chord.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
It bums me out tremendously what the church has become, and if it's got me bummed, imagine what Jesus Christ must be feeling.
I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.
Late 19th-century America was basically a plutocratic enterprise while people toiled in mines and died of coal dust poisoning.
I never really worked with Chris Farley, I hung out with him, but I had plans, I had big plans, movies, and I was in no hurry.
I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
I don't consider myself a political comedian because it's so hard. It takes time away from me saying terrible things about TV.
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
I remember being chronically shy. I came out of my shell a bit when I went to university, but I'm still fairly shy in company.
Before really high-pressured gigs I tend to freeze and crawl into bed. Under the covers you just feel safe for a little while.
Here's the best place that people can find me: go to this website called Google, and then type my name into it. So much stuff.
I'm an immensely shy and vulnerable woman. My husband has never seen me naked. Nor has he expressed the least desire to do so.
Political correctness means nothing to me. Nothing. It's the new Puritanism, darling. Preventing us from expressing ourselves.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
If you speak your mind and if it is true what you're saying, then I think the integrity of what you're saying carries through.
My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.
Things are old. Parts are old. I'm talking about 'us' parts. AARP-parts. Some of us were born with stronger parts than others.
The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both!
...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all.
I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death.
You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America.
People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'
The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?
We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?
The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas.
Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.
This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special.