Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress.
First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle.
I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
Speaking of Quarterback nicknames, you hear they're calling Jay Cutler 50 cent? Because you only get two quarters out of him.
So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?
They say that the older you get, the more conservative you become: perhaps that's the reason there are no Tories in Scotland.
What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
Everything that you know about yourself comes from thinking back, and I think I saw religion as the first big betrayal of me.
You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.
I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
Part of doing stand-up is to get things off your chest. It's a bit like being in a psychiatrist's chair - but more enjoyable.
We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.
You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
I think, because of the Internet, we're not looking at the very, very narrow channels for distribution that there used to be.
I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.
Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
I had done plays in high school. It was something I always wanted to do since I was little. I was a drama major at UC-Irvine.
People who like my stuff and know what my agenda is have never mistaken me for being racist or poking fun at the wrong thing.
The problem isn't that there's not enough women in panel games. The problem is there's not enough women in comedy in general.
Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.
This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.
Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.
I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.
I was raised Catholic, and then I kind of wandered away somewhere in high-school. I never got confirmed, which is a big deal.
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
Religion is a tool to stamp out oppression, repression, and tyranny. It's to save the oppressed. That's what religion is for.
What does it mean to be too black for Hollywood? It's self-explanatory. Hollywood has certain kinds of blacks that they like.
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys.. we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
If we're not counting kids' movies - because my kid is constantly watching The Jungle Book - I would have to say Wall Street.
You can just keep getting it worse until you have to pull back and let the audience breathe. But yeah, I really love digging.
You can be watching the greatest film in the world, and if you hear your neighbor getting into a fight, you're at the window.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
The strength of 'Peep Show' has always been that that it's quite traditional, but it's obviously presented in a very new way.