Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't want to be your hero. I want to be your brother. You know, I want to be your family member. I want to be your equal.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
I'm not a great shopper but I do buy a lot of books. I'm the publishers' friend - I buy a hundred books a year and read four.
Now, as a comic, if you're vaguely amusing you can go straight into TV, then you play the O2 and then everyone's sick of you.
I've accentuated the look over the years. As a comic, you try something and if it works you go with it and grind it to death.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
I suppose British people generally, probably have very stereotypical notions about the Irish that go back to Victorian times.
I get up every morning the same as everyone else, and scratch my head and just get on with the job. Whatever that job may be.
The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?'
That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama.
You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict.
Sixteen years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which...I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level.
I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.
Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.
It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.
Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can't do in a lot of other countries.
This is why rational people - anti-religionists - must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves.
If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns.
I think there's a fear once things start to blow up - as the people say - that if you stop for a second, it will all go away.
For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.
I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches.
Video games are so popular these days, getting the opportunity to star in one is something special. More people should do it.
I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, Did you know it's time for your annual check-up? No, but now my mailman does.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Though part of me had always wanted to be a comedian, another part of me had always wanted to be Bryant Gumbel or Dan Rather.
Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
I just love New York. New York has energy, it has culture, New York is very diverse. There's not a better place in the world.
I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
I waited at the counter of a white restaurant for eleven years. When they finally integrated, they didn't have what I wanted.
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.