Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.
Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’
When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
Maybe depression is the most reasonable response to all the crap around us. Maybe it's the happy people who need medication.
I love fashion, I'm actually a pretty talented seamstress, so I can make stuff for myself, but that's really time-consuming.
I think I, like a lot of people, have that type of brain where I find it interesting or fulfilling to worry about something.
I get called all kinds of things - an investigative comedian, a comedian activist - I've lost track of what my job title is.
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
I'm not into things that feel like a sequel. There's just something magical about when something happens for the first time.
When I was 14, I had a job in a cake shop. I got caught by the boss, lying down eating cake, and was sacked on my first day.
Although I had a good job as an advertising manager for a shoe company in Boston, I really liked to fool around with comedy.
I think I write serious comedies. I would love to be able to write for pure pleasure, but the undertow is always loneliness.
Doing 'Young Adult' was really reassuring to me in a lot of ways. It confirmed a lot of suspicions I had about great actors.
My comedy is a nuclear bomb inside my mind. It's a weapon that's never been tested. It just blows up and flattens everybody.
I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?
People should stop poking fun at other people and worry about themselves. The reality is that my movies all have made money.
My mum can't watch 'Car Share' - well she does, but she says, 'Peter I can't enjoy it because you're not watching the road.'
I've never seen myself as a victim because of my physicality. If I did play that game, I wouldn't be the comedian that I am.
Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"
Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!
Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat! Never got a dinner!
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.
Of all the disciplines involved in making anything - TV, film or anything I do - the writing is the most valuable commodity.
When you're an experienced celeb - which I am - you sometimes just need a bit of space, when you're not 'on'. I'm always on!
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
We call ourselves comedy writer-performers, and that encompasses everything, and I certainly have a very open mind about it.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
I'd love to be a dead body in the emergency room and have George Clooney go, 'This one's gone!' while he puts a sheet on me.
If you have no brothers and sisters it defines you for life; even when you're thirty you refer to yourself as an only child.
Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. "Igor, fetch 'the Crouch' from the catacombs, we're going to the graveyard".
I am Jewish and proud of this culturally and ethnically - the ways in which I was born this way and am happy with whom I am.
We live in a fun time with so many ways to express yourself, you would be crazy to be a comedian and not check them all out.
I now believe in God for my own ends. I'm not an altruistic Christian - I'm only doing it in case there is in fact a Heaven.
Black people don't talk about diabetes that much. I never knew anything. I thought everyone had an uncle with a leg cut off!
One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I don't think anyone can listen to a Smiths song and not scream your lungs out in recognition of what it's like to feel odd.
Listening to your own sets and listening to the audience as you perform. It's a conversation of sorts. There is an exchange.
In terms of my own work ethic, I've always been a determined person. When I'm focused on something, I try to see it through.
What is meant by: "We mustn't give in to the terrorists"? We gave in to them the moment the first bombs fell on Afghanistan.
It took 200 years for the Crusaders to create [this] Muslim fanaticism. It was the exact imitation of Christian intolerance.
When I was a kid I went to Catholic school, and they used to drag us out to pro-life rallies and stuff full of crazy people.
That's the great part about arts - someone taking your work and making it something else; it's becomes a true collaboration.
Health care for everybody, by making it illegal not to have health care. It's so simple, why didn't we think of this before?
I never know the right thing to say, especially during sex. After my first time, I said to the girl, 'That's it, I'm afraid'