Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.
Wagamama. Text messaging aficionados might like to note that this is one of the most satisfying words you can possibly type.
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry.
I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person.
The truth is - and this is corny - I fall more in love with Portia all the time. I really do. She surprises me all the time.
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.
My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.
I don't know that I would need to be famous as a Middle East policy expert to see that unilateral imperialism is bad policy.
I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person.
Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth.
Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks.
It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records.
I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Howard Dean was endorsed by Al Gore. Now, if Dean could get Gray Davis to campaign for him, that would put him over the top.
We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.
There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.
You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You might be a redneck if...you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
I mean, I can't say that I've had many deep thoughts because I traveled alone, but it's good to be with myself in the quiet.
I love fashion, but I don't come from a background of loving clothes, and I remember feeling badly dressed from a young age.
What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.
My family gets incredibly tense and stressed out around traveling. There's something really beautiful in that vulnerability.
I think the hardest part of writing anything is getting exposition out easily, without hitting people over the head with it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
I am comfortable with myself, and this is how I am. I am not really interested in having an acrimonious fight with somebody.
I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.
When my brother passed away... I made a decision that I might die soon, and if I die, I want people to know who I really am.