Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
The wisest married men give in early. They get in touch with the wife side of themselves, and that's when they stop arguing.
When I look at 55 percent of our black men dropping out of school, how bad off are we going to be when we need some lawyers?
There should be more on television that uplifts people and shows them how to better prepare themselves for earning a living.
When we take care of ourselves like we would take care of someone we love, the quality of our living and our giving goes up.
No one can give you any answers. There aren't any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery.
I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.
I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'
I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'.
I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.
God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.
All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'
We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.
The world's like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it's real, that's how powerful our minds are
Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.
What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.
When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does that make me an a**hole?
I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.
I couldn't run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me?
A cult is a cult, and that's what a frat is. A place where they strip you of your personality and rebuild it in their image.
I think Democrats are complacent. They think that Russia is going to save us. Bob Mueller is going to come in with a report.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that's a lovely addition.
If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.
I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.
What interests me is being alive and being with friends that I care about and being as creative as I can given circumstance.
Twitter is really a hyper-distilled version of how the internet should work - short bursts of relatively useful information.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.
I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.